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Hes interested in person but seems to not be over text, help

Been single 5 years I need help

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Female
Readytodateagain  Female  Cheshire
29-Dec-2020 13:30 Message #4801845
So I’m newly dating a guy, very new, but both mid 30s and know what we want, he’s told me he’s a terrible texter bit really put effort in before we met, we’ve met twice and I’ve stayed the night at his, we have loads in common and there’s fireworks constantly, he seems extremely interested in person, talking about future dates, mentions marriage (quite a lot!) is extremely passionate, caring and a gent! But now, it’s like getting blood out of a stone over text... he will always reply and texts first occasionally but there’s no conversation, I know men don’t like to text like women but I just feel like I’m pestering him! I don’t know what to do, I’ve been single 5 years almost and he’s the first guy I’ve ever considered seeing more than once and feel like I could actually develop feelings for, I just don’t want to mess it up! Help!
Male
zodiac1  Male  Flintshire
29-Dec-2020 13:46 Message #4801848
I understand the dilemma.

I was not into texting at all 8 years ago, disliked it and still do really, but find it a necessity when shopping etc.

It does not pay to be jealous though, when someone else texts a partner, its difficult not to ask who and why ? as well as what was that about ?

try to understand him, it may well be worth it , and good luck anyway.
Male
brisinger  Male  Lancashire
29-Dec-2020 13:58 Message #4801849
I hate texting and maybe he's not keen on it. (My phone is definitely on a need to know.) Perhaps if you cool it and give it a short while to see if he notices you pulling back it may give him a jolt in texting you to see how you are. I think that a lot of men tend not to be as good at being conversationalists as women especially when it's not face to face.

Good luck.
Female
usuallyLaura  Female  Devon
29-Dec-2020 19:49 Message #4801862
met twice and stayed over already - good god !
he's mentioned marriage - good good god !

so he was able to text before you met ? now you've met twice and the texting has decreased ?

talking about further dates...why haven't they happened ?

step back read your thread and think
Female
NoSaint  Female  Devon
29-Dec-2020 22:15 Message #4801868
When you have a stay over in such a short term relationship it is not unusual for communication to dry up.
Male
The_38th_Parallel  Male  Essex
29-Dec-2020 23:23 Message #4801874
I'd say Laura's got a point.
Sounds like way too much, way too soon.
As to someone coming out and saying they're not a good texter, sorry but that's just sounds like bs.
If anything texting is much easier than actually being expected to talk for ages on the phone. Which as we know does not come naturally to blokes.
Turn it the other way round, if I'd just met someone and on the 2nd date they started talking marriage I would definitely be allowing things to cool somewhat.
Male
Pboro Trevor  Male  Cambridgeshire
30-Dec-2020 09:28 Message #4801882
Drop the texting and move on to video calling on whatever platform you like - Messenger, Whatsapp, Snapchat, etc - texting is so impersonal, video calling is personal.

Trevor
Male
Hierophant  Male  East Anglia
30-Dec-2020 09:31 Message #4801884
What tier are you in?
What tier is he in?
Should you have stayed the night during a pandemic?
How are you managing to date during a pandemic?....
Female
Andromeda  Female  Berkshire
30-Dec-2020 09:37 Message #4801885
You're obsessed Hierophant but at least you didn't mention kissing while muzzled. It's been 10 months and could be another year so most of us have to get on with life. I don't think meeting outdoors is a problem and if it progresses it's likely forming a bubble would be very simple.
Male
Hierophant  Male  East Anglia
30-Dec-2020 09:43 Message #4801887
Ha ha I'm amazed none of you lockdown fanatics even batted an eyelid at someone possibly breaking the rules.
They didn't meet outdoors, unless they slept on the lawn.... lol
Female
Minnie-the-Minx  Female  Hertfordshire
30-Dec-2020 11:19 Message #4801899
I've learnt to go by how people treat me, rather than what they say, and I focus on how I am feeling. If it makes me feel crap, I don't invest any more energy in it. From your description, it sounds like he blows hot and cold, and that would be a no-no for me. Even if the relationship has legs, those kind of push-pull relationships can be really painful and very bad for your self esteem. The love bombing and then pulling away messes with your head and can even be an early sign of someone who is controlling. Laura says it better than me. If I were in your shoes, I would be heading for the hills already.
Female
JustLyn  Female  Cheshire
30-Dec-2020 12:40 Message #4801903
I agree with Minnie.

I'd even go further and say even a normal healthy relationship can be marred by expectation of texting because the need for contact from texting, I think, can give a surge of serotonin (my theory only), a feeling of gratification, that then needs feeding, and I think this can contribute to neediness and premature ending of relationships that may otherwise have worked out.

I've fallen into the trap myself, through loneliness and a period of depression a few years ago, but I was lucky the men involved were good guys and just friends, but long distance. On reflection, the "Good Night" and "Good Morning" type of thing replaced the actual presence I missed at the time, and I guess I filled their gap too.

But further down the line, presence shouldn't be dependent on texts and it's actually nicer in a real relationship not to have that dependency. In fact my friend J who married S after a 5 year engagement (I introduced them as a blind date) hardly ever texted during that time and only met once a week in a local pub.

I also think texting is a magnet for disingenuous people seeking to have fun at the expense of other people's vulnerability to boost their won ego. People already in relationships can find texting can be done surreptitiously at a whim to see how far they can mess with the heads of others because of their own deficits in life.
Male
tumbled  Male  Gloucestershire
30-Dec-2020 13:01 Message #4801907
You've come to the right place for advice......We're all qualified in Marje Proops....

Bad time for starting relationships though.......Never know what you could catch.....Well, actually, Covid could be up there...

You need to speak to him about it all.....It sounds a bit all over the place......Mentioning marriage, passionate, caring, blood out of a stone, pestering, etc etc...

Take it easy.....Personally, I think the text thing sounds a bit strange, even if he has a problem with text....It doesn't sound right to me.....perhaps speak on the phone instead.....
Female
RoseyCheeks  Female  Nottinghamshire
30-Dec-2020 18:17 Message #4801918
If there's no conversation and he's not phoning instead of texting now I think you need to hang back and see if he makes up the lost ground. It's really not unusual for men to tell you exactly what they perceive you want to hear to lure you into a sexual relationship and then move on to their next conquest.

Female
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
30-Dec-2020 18:33 Message #4801919
How much of a conersation can you have via text? What do you think is a reasonable amount of texts per day? If your idea of how many texts to send a day is different to his, then this might be part of the problem? Maybe he thinks texts are good for making simple arrangements, but not for much else?
Male
HonestBob  Male  the Central region
30-Dec-2020 21:01 Message #4801934
So let me recap....

He says he isn't a big texter, but he put a lot of effort in before you met and..... "stayed the night", but after you "Stayed the night" he has stopped putting the effort in....

Hmmmm

He did say he wasn't a big texter....
Male
brisinger  Male  Lancashire
30-Dec-2020 21:52 Message #4801935
Err, so let me get this right. In a nutshell he's making you anxious and less confident than you used to be and you are wondering if you are being too sensitive. He's making you question yourself if you are doing something wrong. You are frightened of messing it up thinking it would be your fault if things go wrong. You have a sense that something’s wrong, but being unable to identify what it is. That sounds more like gaslighting to me.
Female
Gilpin  Female  Middlesex
30-Dec-2020 23:12 Message #4801945
I really don't like texting. It takes ages, and I don't know the layout of the keyboard, so press wrong letters. And the minute you send a txt another one comes straight back, and how much can you say in a txt as someone said, it could take half an hour.
Male
HotOrWot  Male  Lancashire
31-Dec-2020 07:13 Message #4801951
For all the criticisms of texting it is tremendously popular. Maybe for the younger generations.
Male
Hierophant  Male  East Anglia
31-Dec-2020 07:34 Message #4801953
I wonder why these new posters rarely come back to respond?
They ask for our advice and are never seen again...
Female
Minnie-the-Minx  Female  Hertfordshire
31-Dec-2020 10:45 Message #4801971
Well spotted, Hiero.
They often also seem to have trouble finding the speelchecker too.
Female
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
31-Dec-2020 11:14 Message #4801975
One of the problems with texting etc is that people expect an instant response, I fell out with someone because I didn't reply straight away, it never occured to her that I was busy doing something else and didn't want to keep being interupted by the phone beeping at me.

Maybe having a mobile phone, texts etc has made you more anxious, do you remember the days when you'd have to wait for a landline call, or a proper letter? Were people more, or less anxious then or about the same?
Male
persona_non_grata  Male  North London
31-Dec-2020 11:27 Message #4801978
wonderoushen, I find that a real problem and hate the way every text is followed by several more. The same with emails.

I deliberately leave my text replies for a few hours and I have a policy not to reply to an email until the following day. Obviously there are exceptions but I find this works well. I'm fairly useless at distanced communications because I don't make many phone calls either.

I'm reliably informed that when face to face I make up for it by talking quite a lot :)
Male
Hierophant  Male  East Anglia
31-Dec-2020 11:54 Message #4801985
"Well spotted, Hiero."

Ha ha I think I've been here far too long, I'm amazed anyone takes threads like this seriously and thinks they're a genuine cry for help...
Male
SQL  Male  Devon
31-Dec-2020 13:02 Message #4801991
Well said PNG.

You are very much faster than me in replying. Most people soon realise that I'll respond by phone call or face-to-face conversation before I will text. Emails are a bit faster but don't hold your breath!

Ansaphone messages are another problem, I might wait a couple of days before checking for messages after I have been out (no I don't have a little flashing light to tell me).

SQL

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