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As good as love ????

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Topaz53  Female  Northamptonshire
15-Feb-2020 11:07 Message #4770762
I was thinking to myself, can you really, really enjoy someone's company, who's intellectually interesting, just "gets you" and puts a smile on your face ,without that awkward feeling that any minute they're going to make an unrequited move on you and spoil things the way they are?

A person that looks forward to seeing you, that your very existence brings them happiness, that treats you with the utmost respect and who's company you feel comfortable in.

With all this, and the feeling of contentment, and it being nice to look forward to sharing a strong appreciation of theatre, the arts, gigs and the usual weekends away and travelling. Someone who is actually interested in how your day has been.

Is it REALLY a deal breaker at some point to declare your love for them, or is contentment and the fact you get on and enjoy each other's
Companionship whilst maintaining your own home and independence
enough ???

Thoughts please.....
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
15-Feb-2020 11:46 Message #4770772
Why can't you have a loving friendship? A friendship where you can declare your love, but you don't have to have sex, share a bed or anything else like that, but just really enjoy shared interests and time spent together? Why do we assume that a friendship with some of the gender we're usually attrated to sexually must inevitably become sexual when we wouldn't if it was with someone who's gender isn't one we're attracted too? Personally I think we get way to hung up on how we can relate to people according to gender and sexual orientation, we see a set of genitals superimposed over a person and then set limits on ourselves and them.
JustLyn  Female  Cheshire
15-Feb-2020 11:59 Message #4770777
I have learned that I am not keen on being "In Love". I don't think we think straight, I think it is true that being in love is a form of temporary madness and even just a chemical reaction that lasts about 2 years, and by that time the damage can be done.

I have learned that after bring in love, I still feel love, but that that love is deeper and different for each person for entirely different reasons and qualities.

I will admit that during some severe clinical depressive periods in my life I thought I had a problem in falling in love too much and prayed (even without a God) it would end as unrequited love can seem the worst thing and even cause death.

Having said the above, I am so privileged to have only fallen in love with such kind and sensitive men (as it happens) and they all have and do love me, but not in love with me, so we remains friends, albeit distant friends but with absolute trust from the companionship we shared at certain times on a level I never experienced when I had requited love that eventually failed.

I don't ever want to be hung onto the next text ever again, or to be in someone's pocket or they be in mine.

I love the freedom and love I have from my present relationship, it is liberating to have that trust, confidence, intellectual stimulation, companionship, plus also essential "me" time and "his" time when needed with no belonging or being owned.

I seek nothing more and my only wish is that my (and his children) children are safe when we are no longer around.
eurostar  Female  Merseyside
15-Feb-2020 19:30 Message #4770801
Great companionship is amazing but you can get that from male or female, it's not the same as sexual love
Redfoxcountry  Male  Leicestershire
16-Feb-2020 13:24 Message #4770872
Yes it is possible, but hormones never go away. However, yes, companionship is a great thing and makes life easier. I do think though that one of the parties is going to get jealous if you were to show interest in anyone else. I like female company mostly but women seem to have a hard time not feeling as though they are the only one. Are you different?
Redfoxcountry  Male  Leicestershire
16-Feb-2020 13:26 Message #4770873
What a superb post Lyn. I think I feel the same as you.
Mumsie  Female  Warwickshire
16-Feb-2020 14:36 Message #4770881
Yes ,you can have a loving relationship, with the opposite sex and it not be a sexual relationship . Communication can be on an intimate level , in what is shared in conversation, and not put into practice. This can be very different to what is shared with the same sex, person .
If you are not physically inclined , you have the safe feeling, that this relationship , won't be complicated by sex.
mancers  Male  Greater Manchester
16-Feb-2020 15:28 Message #4770885
Sorry Fox pressed the inappropriate button by mistake, as said a good friend is just that and we all could do with one no matter what sex, sometimes female company would be nice for trips to the cinema and theatre.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
16-Feb-2020 18:24 Message #4770910
I find the same thing with men Redfox, I don't think its a gender thing but a human one, I've always had friends of different gender, ages, sexual orientation and its something a lot of people who I'm entering a sexual relationship have problems with, I can never work out why, but it sems they do. Jealousy is something I've only felt once or twice in my life, I didn't understand it in myself and hated myself for feling that way, I don't really understand it in others either. I'm just so glad the menopause has taken all sexual desire away, theres so much more room in my head without this insistent THING jumping about and demanding attention like a child.
trilby  Female  North London
16-Feb-2020 19:44 Message #4770926
It's a really interesting question. Topaz. The implication in your OP is a loving but non-sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex (or the same sex if you're gay), and from my own experience it's never been a success.

I've got one or two women friends whom I really care about and love doing all the things you mention, or just being together and doing nothing, but unfortunately the men I've met who I could easily have loved and wanted to maintain a close relationship with - well, it just didn't work out without the sex.

Maybe I've been unlucky but I think love and sex are so intertwined - and maybe much more for some than others (sigh)
terry  Male  West Yorkshire
16-Feb-2020 21:52 Message #4770933
Aren't there different kinds of love? just that we don't have the words for them?

I think what is described in the OP is probably achievable, just by only a small few and not the general population. Look back over history - writers, artists, musicians, there will probably be good examples there.
Redfoxcountry  Male  Leicestershire
18-Feb-2020 11:34 Message #4771003
What if we had a few people who we felt close to and each one fulfilled different needs?
Mumsie  Female  Warwickshire
18-Feb-2020 12:07 Message #4771004
This friendship has worked with a male friend and myself, for many years, in lots of situations and places , we were thought to have been a couple , until we corrected people in their judgements, as humans do
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
19-Feb-2020 10:18 Message #4771062
Redfox, I think thats how things have always worked until recently when this thing started about your partner had to fufil all your emotional needs, what a burden to lay on one person! I guess in healthy relationships they still do, people have friends and family that share the ups and downs of everyday life, or special interests and hobbies.

Santalina  Female  Hampshire
21-Feb-2020 00:47 Message #4771155
Topaz that is a really good post. And I fully identify with what you say in your first paragraph. If only it were that easy!
It should be perfectly possible to enjoy perfect companionship with the opposite sex without an expectation that it will become sexual. But in my experience that is very hard to find.
I think that the only way to avoid that awkwardness you mention is to be completely honest from the start because if you aren't it becomes much harder to have that conversation as the friendship progresses. And even then, the other person may secretly be hoping for more which can cause a cauldron of resentment if you then have other friendships.
Just about every social thing I go to there are way more women then men who are very few in number which is a strange thing..
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
21-Feb-2020 11:09 Message #4771175
I think when you say no sex to some people, even when you say it right at the start, they think you're playing hard to get, that you don't really mean it, they live in a state of blissful hopefulness, that you'll come round. Of course some see it as a challenge and then it can get risky for both parties.
Santalina  Female  Hampshire
21-Feb-2020 18:16 Message #4771192
Yes I agree wonderoushen and those situations usually end up badly and the friendship is lost.
Minnie-the-Minx  Female  Hertfordshire
21-Feb-2020 18:40 Message #4771195
Apart from the arts, theater and gigs, you just described a dog.
nellieredshoes  Female  West Yorkshire
22-Feb-2020 05:35 Message #4771214
Other languages have more than one word to describe love. Just as the Inuit have several words to describe snow and the Scots have many words to describe rain. We are simply stuck with the one which we have to use to identify many different nuances of the emotion.
I’m perfectly sure it’s possible to have loving relationships with people of all genders and none that do not include either romantic love or sexual lust. We seem to focus almost entirely on one or the other of those manifestations of love to our detriment.
fosy  Male  Leicestershire
22-Feb-2020 21:57 Message #4771240
"I think when you say no sex to some people, even when you say it right at the start, they think you're playing hard to get"

how many times have i heard it said...and they were playing hard to get !

and when you have been successful 2/3 times then the mindset of "a mountie always gets his man" [but in this case woman] can set in.

and then when a woman says and means no?... no wonder confusion sets in, it aint easy being a male in the dating game, we are not mind readers !!
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
23-Feb-2020 11:10 Message #4771259
So if a man says no, does he always mean it and isn't playing hard to get? Some people just don't get the idea, that someones not interested in them that way. Theres way to many myths around sexual encounters and potential love interests; like all a gay man need is the love of a good woman to make him realise the error of his ways, that a lesbian just needs hetrosexual penetrative sex to make her all right again, a who says no really means yes. Fosy welcome to the world woman have had to negotiate for centuries, its not easy being anyone in the dating game, the very thought that some people see it as a game is a red flag, I'm not saying we should be all po faced and humourless about it, but we shouldn't see it as a game with winners and losers. That way leads to broken hearts, shattered self confidence, people giving in because they're being pestered for sex and just want it go away, domestic violence and all sorts of self destructive and nasty stuff.
fosy  Male  Leicestershire
23-Feb-2020 12:26 Message #4771274
but if a woman IS playing hard to get/leading a man on, she,s not playing a game ?
she,s not enjoying the chase ?

can wooing a woman change her mind?

I also think women use more psychological methods to attract/keep mates etc, which is a counterbalance to mens physical attributes...natures way of balancing things out?

as men are naturally programmed to spread their seed and think with their bollox [especially when young] i think if a man says no to having sex then he would really mean it as he doesnt find the female attractive, and therefore mr. willy might not rise to the occasion anyway, a complication females dont have !!
i dont think it would be a case of chase me and i might give in.

you, and everyone else, use the phrase "dating game" not without good reason, but because mainly thats what it is, to be seen throughout the animal kingdom of which man is part of, sure there will be winners/losers, some have their confidence knocked and i can understand why some choose not to participate, but in my experience those who choose not to "play the game" dont send out any signals at all.

btw, i have never subscribed to the thinking about the myths surrounding gays/lesbians, but i have heard those kind of comments voiced by the, shall we say, those with a basic attitude to sex.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
24-Feb-2020 11:20 Message #4771336
I guess I do use the phrase "dating game", but as someone who dosen't really understand most psychological games, or when I do I don't see the point of them and consequently don't play them, I find the whole dating/mating thing confusing. Its one of the problems with game playing, people don't know when you're playiing or when you're serious, it often seems like the more serious you are the more someone thinks its a game.

What psychological methods do women use to counterbalance a mans physical attrbutes and what are those attributes?

Women do have a similar response to non arousal, no doubt one reason why there are so many lubricants on the market.

I'm glad you've never subscribed to those views on gay people, but its surprising how many people do and I don't think its just from people who attitude to sex is basic, many women have been brought up with the "love conquers all" myth. Love can conquer many things or rather make them easier to bear, but it dosen't change sexual orientation. Some people and I've noticed its more women than me have a Disneyfied attitude to relationships and they get this idea of a perfect relationship in their heads and find a person they like the look of and then try and cram them into this fantasy. Then they wonder why the relationship fails, "the marriage" is often talked of as if its a sperate entity and its failed and has nothing to do with the people in it, most of all the person with the fantasy and then they go and do all over again, having the same relationship with different people.
Topaz53  Female  Northamptonshire
25-Feb-2020 09:28 Message #4771401

Totally agree that some women are deluded into thinking " one day my Prince will come "

I clearly stated I was looking for a companion to accompany me on trips out etc, he, an activity partner, which in my mind is virtually the same intention.

I do believe with some men, you can just be platonic friends.....
I have my ex partner who comes for lunch every week, and my ex husband and I actually shared a corner sofa last week, whilst protecting my son's house, as his door had been forced.
Sex doesn't come into it.
As has been said before, there are many forms of love that obviously don't involve sex.

I enjoy the company of males/ females for very different reasons to socialise I don't require a dog or a bitch...

I happily went on a cruise with my ex husband a couple of years ago, because I really enjoy his company...we have a really good laugh together...twin beds. We've had a couple of holidays together and we've been divorced for 26 years !
That doesn't mean I want sex or to live with him, ditto my ex partner who I've known for over 14 years.
As far as I'm concerned and I'm sure they'd both agree, absence and personal space make for good relationships.

The man I am socialising with now, I have no intentions of having an intimate relationship with apart from a hug when greeting that is it.
I am not physically attracted to him in any way....

Long may it continue on a friendship basis , if not it will have to be revaluated, as my last intention is to hurt anyone's feelings....but in all relationships there are usually casualties along the way.
Cassis  Female  Cambridgeshire
26-Feb-2020 02:30 Message #4771434
I think good platonic relationships can exist between anyone regardless of gender and proclivities, but the reason, in my experience, that they may not work out is because often there is sexual attraction and desire on one side, even if noone set out for it to be that way. Even if the person who feels the attraction and desire does not activate it, the one who doesn't feel that way is usually well aware of it, and it gets in the way. I've had good male friends in groups; I've had a few close friendships with men who are totally gay; I've had very good friendships with men who have been my romantic and sexual partners; but I don't think I've ever had a close friendship/companionship with a man where he truly wanted it to be platonic forever. There have been several times when I would have liked what you describe Topaz.

I think you have a great chance of being happy in this friendship of yours if it stays the way you describe, though if you'd still like a big love relationship in your life, then a close platonic relationship may serve to somewhat block that potential elsewhere.

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