Conversation Help and Advice
Helper icon Helpers: Chris2mates , LLstill , PrincessFruitBat

About us

Midsummer's Eve is a free online dating community - based around friendship, real meetups, real people, and real relationships. We've been online since 1999 and have twice won Radio 2's Web Site of the Day award. So why not join us for free and join in the discussion?

Sad situation

What to do?

Hantslady  Female  Hampshire 9-Aug-2019 18:18 Message #4748132
A week ago my close friend passed away he had no family and I am his next of kin.
I have been contacted via face book by a woman who my friend did not like, she has also put a card through his door for me stating she would like to see him in the chapel of rest and come to the funeral. I had not even picked up the death certificate from the hospital, today I charged his phone to get a friend of his number and this person has tried to leave a message on it for me. Sorry if this is a bit garbled but I am still in shock. She is not a nice person and I know he did not want anything to do with her I feel I am being harassed and don't know what to do. Can any of you offer me any advice please.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 9-Aug-2019 18:40 Message #4748134
Sorry to hear of your loss, in regards as to what you can do, I'd not relpy to the message and if she collars you in the street then tell her that she wasn't liked and don't give her any details of the service, if she won't leave you alone then think about a restraining order.
Beach  Male  Dorset 9-Aug-2019 19:07 Message #4748144
Just keep mum, (reveal little and say nothing), and don't allow this person to ingratiate herself into your life.

And if you are feeling intimidated, assuming you have a local police station populated with officers with a heart, I'd ask to speak to someone relating to your feelings of being intimidated. At least, that way, if things got more surreal or of concern, you would have already made a record and primed the police prior.

Sorry if that sounds serious but ... better to stay in control of events by considering all of the above than to have some person hassling you! (Especially while you are still absorbing the sad loss of your friend).

How long till your friends funeral? A couple of weeks?

Look at it as just 14 days to keep your head down, keep your business to yourself, etc ... and just don't let the Facebook, phone message or any left cards unsettle you.

And when all is resolved peacefully, as it will be if you stay strong and in control, report back here so that we know how you got on and dealt with things. :-)
Beach  Male  Dorset 9-Aug-2019 19:15 Message #4748146
PS. Personally, I don't share Hen's view that you should tell her she wasn't liked! I don't think that approach would be, remotely, helpful.
Nemesis  Female  Dorset 10-Aug-2019 09:28 Message #4748185
I would ignore unless you are actually confronted by her and then I think I would have to tell her the painful truth.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 10-Aug-2019 10:40 Message #4748192
You may be right Beach and it wouldn't be helpful, but it might be effective if she's really pushy. The other option would be to allow her to the funeral, but not to view the body at the chapel of rest, maybe that would satisfy all concerned. Your friend isn't here anymore to be bothered with or by her, so maybe this is a good compromise, not the intimacy of a viewing, but the public ceremony, I'm sure your friend wouldn't want you to be bothered by this woman and has probably put up with her when meeting at an event.
tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 10-Aug-2019 11:12 Message #4748200
A few things...just some thoughts...from the little I see from the opening post..

A close friend passing away is a shock to you...but it also appears that the woman feels some connection as well..she wants to go to the chapel of rest, the funeral...and she also has his phone number...

So without knowing any background, it sounds as though they were once closer than they are now perhaps...

A difficult one...especially as you are in emotional turmoil yourself over the sad death...but perhaps you need to speak to her to find out more about her 'intentions'...She will probably have her own side to the story...Maybe just innocent paying respects etc...Or she could be up to something devious...

Hope you can sort it out...
fosy  Male  Leicestershire 10-Aug-2019 12:13 Message #4748216
i dont think you can stop anyone from attending an open funeral service.

not sure about the viewing, but i know when i did it no questions were asked.
mancers  Male  Greater Manchester 10-Aug-2019 12:20 Message #4748217
Just ignore her.
brisinger  Male  Lancashire 10-Aug-2019 12:33 Message #4748218
Off the top of my head I'd say to block her on fb and just file and documents she posts. If it persists you can let the Police know and file for harassment but I think that it would be better just to box them and forget them. As fosy says I don't think that you can stop her from attending a funeral but you can stop her attending any functions that may occur afterwards.
Beach  Male  Dorset 10-Aug-2019 13:11 Message #4748225
And Tumbleweed makes an intriguing point.

The woman, seemingly, trying to impose ... could be the good person ... and the person posting here ... could be the troublemaker! :-)
Minnie-the-Minx  Female  Hertfordshire 10-Aug-2019 15:19 Message #4748236
I am sorry for your loss, Hantslady. My take on it is that if you don't want to engage with the lady, then don't. It is entirely up to you how much contact you have with her.
However, I don't see how you can prevent someone from going to a funeral in a public place and I'm not sure why anyone would want to, unless they are likely to cause a scene. A lot of people find closure at funerals. Funerals are for the survivors, not the deceased.
I also wondered if she was an ex lover of the deceased and hence the antipathy from your friend, if the parting was vitriolic. Her desperation might be borne of needing closure, rather than harassment. The question to ask yourself is, do you dislike her enough to deny her that? On the day, I expect that there will be enough going on that you won't even notice that she is there. You could always prime a friend to deal with it, in case she does become troublesome, if that is what is worrying you.
Hope the day goes smoothly for you, or as much as it can for a funeral.
eurostar  Female  Merseyside 10-Aug-2019 21:21 Message #4748283
I,m with Minnie, let the woman know...…….if she was that bad he would have blocked her already, she has nothing to gain apart from her piece of mind and you have nothing to lose but may gain joy in being the kind person

sorry for you loss x
Beach  Male  Dorset 10-Aug-2019 23:48 Message #4748294
You see ...

On reflection, the O.P states, quite openly ... in a sentence ... "She is not a nice person"

That sentence is the key to this dilemma ... and appears to be stated quite confidently.

We, as internet strangers on a public, forum style, website, might wish to help the person asking for advice or help BUT, without all, (or enough), details about the circumstances being discussed, we will never be able to offer useful, objective comment.

The O.P's "She is not a nice person" needs examining.

WHY is she "not a nice person?" ... or in the opinion of the O.P is she "not a nice person"?

Without that aspect being discussed or understood, how can we, ultimately, offer guidance?

Victoriana11  Female  Buckinghamshire 12-Aug-2019 11:56 Message #4748429
I am sorry to hear of your loss ((hugs))

If you really do not want her to attend, then just say so.

Do it in a polite way and say the funeral is going to be very private ,as requested by your friend,- even if its a little white lie.

If she decides to still turn up, I dont think you can do much about it, apart from ignoring her. If she has any conscience , she should not turn up after receiving your message. If she comes along and makes some sort of scene, people will ignore her anyway. After all its not the done thing at a funeral to create a scene, & she would be ushered away by the funeral staff. Maybe have a word with them beforehand anyway.

If she does come along ,and its to genuinely say goodbye, then just be polite and maybe a bit distant. That way, you maintain your dignity and you will be showing compassion, whether she likes/wants it or not. I think, if you do this, you will feel better about it later on.

Back to top  Back to top

Help with conversations Help with conversations »