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Friends with ex!

Ex still around

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BunnyGirl  Female  Buckinghamshire 8-Jan-2019 07:37 Message #4732944
I personally never like to be with someone who is still friends with their ex!

I do not have anybody hanging around as for me once a relationship is finished then what is
the point of being friends. But then i could never ever be friends with a person who was nasty
towards me.

What are your thoughts on this subject.
Pboro Trevor  Male  Cambridgeshire 8-Jan-2019 08:01 Message #4732945
It all depends on how amicable the split was.

Nothing wrong with remaining friends with an ex. It smacks of being controlling if you want to limit your partners friends.

persona_non_grata  Male  North London 8-Jan-2019 08:03 Message #4732946
I can see where you are coming from and would never be friends with someone who was nasty to me or unfaithful to me. As we so often hear your ex is an ex for a reason!

However my relationships have always ended amicably and, as far as I can recall, I’m still friendly with the women I have known throughout my life. Only last week I was having coffee in Neros with one of my first girlfriends in my teens - she is married with children and grandchildren now.
I’m also friendly with my ex-wife and we get together with the children on events such as Mothers, Fathers day’s and Christmas or things concerning the grandchildren.

Maybe I’m odd lol.
tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 8-Jan-2019 08:17 Message #4732949
Each to their own. It can be difficult to deal with. It can be easy. Trust and jealousy often come into it.

In one particular case in my life, I met a girl who was still friendly with her ex. We dated for a couple of years. The ex wanted more than friends again with her, she just wanted a good friend with him.

The way the situation played out, brought out certain jealousies in me. I wasn't comfortable at all with some of it.
Whether that was my own insecurities at the time or something else, I don't know, but it put a big strain on our relationship and we split up.

Other situations, not just my own experiences, but friends and family as well, have varied in all sorts of ways. I won't go into them all, but in one, a friend of the family, it made a national paper about 20 something years ago. A story about her splitting with her ex, marrying someone else, then her ex moving in with them, just as a friend to both, not as a threesome. They were happy with it, although I'm sure the article would have raised some peoples eyebrows.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 8-Jan-2019 10:50 Message #4732952
I'm friends with one of my ex's. but then I feel we should of always been friends rather than lovers and all that goes with it, this way we can have the good parts and not the bad.

Some people don't seem to be able to be friends with those of the opposite gender and don't understand those that have friends of all genders, I find that sad personally. I guess I couldn't be with someone either as a partner or a friend who tried to limit what people they thought it acceptable for me to see. I also don't seem to feel jealousy, because I don't feel it I don't understand it or what triggers it in others. I always have to have this mental ticklist of behaviours that might offend, it makes socialising exhausting and I'm sure its contributed to me having a social phobia, because of the trouble getting it wrong causes, its just more trouble than its worth.
JustLyn  Female  Cheshire 8-Jan-2019 11:30 Message #4732953
It depends on the circumstances.

After being in a subtly controlling relationship, not nasty, not violent, and not the reason I ended it. There can be many facets to why a marriage doesn't work out.

I also think a partner can be unfaithful for a reason and not necessarily the person having the affairs entire fault 100% of the time. Failing relationships can be very lonely places to be and I don't mean certain types who seek out unfaithfulness.

Forgive me if you've read me putting this before. MSE people come and go but I never dated, too shy, too self conscious. But then after a lonely marriage of 28 years I still cared about my children's father and helped each other move out of our lovely 5 bed home into my newly mortgaged 3 bed one with the two with disabilities. He moved into a lovely flat 3 miles away.

Then my journey started making friends I never felt allowed to have but men were easier than women. All I wanted were a couple pals to go to see a film etc.

To cut a long story short, I ended up with 3 close platonic male friends of which their wives had or were having affairs. I was on very dodgy ground. I stood by one as he went through prostate cancer, another gall stones surgery, another no ops but he stayed in daughter's room at weekends whilst daughter was in Uni.

I met my partner 6 months after his wife died of cancer.

I am pleased he understands about friends of both sexes as he also has.

Sometimes I think if we do know we can feel insecure or jealous, but then IF someone did decide to stray, they are not really the right one anyway.

If anyone tried to restrict who I see, or what I should do to get rid of my children as one other one did, then off with them!

I actually like men who have contact with their ex because it says something about understanding , self control, unless your life had to take second place to them.

I have a couple patients who bring in their partners ex and join in caring.
Judance  Female  Berkshire 8-Jan-2019 11:30 Message #4732954
Being that the ex is father to my children, we meet at family gatherings from time to time. I bear him no ill will but wouldn't actively seek him out for friendship.

When we split (he left me for his now wife of over 25yrs), we agreed that we would always work together for the benefit of the children. We have mainly managed to do that apart from one or two notable spats.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 8-Jan-2019 18:47 Message #4732966
Quite right and well done Ju, maybe you woul have had the spats anyway or had more of them had you still been together?
Nigel_In_Devon  Male  Devon 8-Jan-2019 19:00 Message #4732968
I am still friends with my ex wife and also with her, now, husband.

Each Christmas day is at their house where I do much of the cooking of the Christmas dinner for them, our 2 daughters, grandchildren and youngest daughter's husband.

I consider them to be good friends.
Minnie-the-Minx  Female  Hertfordshire 8-Jan-2019 21:03 Message #4732974
In would be very wary of someone who still hated their ex. It would make me wonder why they hadn't moved on.
Ambivalence is the killer of any relationship, and it they didn't have strong feelings either way, they are probably available.
But there are some people who will never be available, whatever the situation with their exes. Sadly, there are not outward signs, but they will try to reel you in anyway.
HonestBob  Male  the Central region 9-Jan-2019 04:53 Message #4732993
I wouldn't be too keen on it to be honest. I don't like the idea of someone who used to have sex with my partner hanging around.

For them to be civil and on talking terms, fine. Friends, going out together, hanging about, on the phone all the time... Nope!

Now I would never in a million years tell any woman to dump a friend for me. Never! I would simply explain this isn't the relationship for me and be off! Or down grade the relationship to a friend's with benefits arrangement.
BunnyGirl  Female  Buckinghamshire 9-Jan-2019 06:48 Message #4732995
Thank you Honest Bob that is exactly how i feel and think. You have made me happy ha ha
HonestBob  Male  the Central region 9-Jan-2019 09:03 Message #4733002
"Thank you Honest Bob that is exactly how i feel and think. You have made me happy ha ha"

Works for some... me and you just ain't two of them hahaha
BunnyGirl  Female  Buckinghamshire 9-Jan-2019 09:36 Message #4733012
Certainly not lol

Hierophant  Male  East Anglia 9-Jan-2019 09:44 Message #4733014
Personally, I think if there are no kids involved then there is no need, or sense, in remaining friends or even in contact with an ex...
JustLyn  Female  Cheshire 9-Jan-2019 16:20 Message #4733053

Although marriage is a partnership thing, we can also grow to love the family.
My first husband's mum, his sister, one of his brothers, his brother's wife, have remained in touch with me since we divorced, due to being posted apart (RAF) since 1976. My ex has been there when I visited, in fact, his wife wanted to be friends when she was living near me and he was posted away. We're not friends, but we're not enemies either. They are both on my Facebook. In fact, it was she, that gave me advice through him, about something that happened to my daughter.

I realise there are different kinds of love. What was once being "in love" can change into something different but not hate. What was once the madness of being in love at only age 17 (he was 16), developed into lifelong respect and trust. We didn't have any children.
eurostar  Female  Merseyside 9-Jan-2019 18:58 Message #4733068
my ex died in august last year, 15 months after having a heart attack and suffering brain damage from lack of oxygen, we shared a grandson so had kept civil to each other as we grew apart not involving anyone else..i visited him over the last 15 months every Wednesday evening with my daughter and sometimes taking my grandson...….I did that for my family and because its the decent thing to do...….cos I,m grown up...….lol
but basically, I,ve been ill in the past and people usually only hang around for the first two weeks then get on with their be ill and scared is bad enough but to be ignored as well must be hell.i was the last to see him before he died, and when I was leaving he really grabbed me and gave me a massive hug.he died an hour later but I can always say he was loved to the end.
shame my last words grab me like that again and I,ll push ya bloody wheelchair down some stairs with you in it...……
but hey, I never changed who I was to him.
why cant people get on with people?
Madness102  Female  South Yorkshire 9-Jan-2019 22:37 Message #4733095
Yes, me too, I am absolutely with you Honest Bob - exactly how I feel.

I believe that if a man hangs around its becos he wants the relationship to go back to having sex. So, no I would not trust a man to be "just friends" with an ex - thats marriage or girlfriend, its all the same.
persona_non_grata  Male  North London 10-Jan-2019 08:14 Message #4733113
I believe that if a man hangs around its becos he wants the relationship to go back to having sex

That's a very profound statement. Does the same apply to a woman who just wants to remain friends?
nellieredshoes  Female  West Yorkshire 10-Jan-2019 08:59 Message #4733115
So agree with euro.

I’m sure it can depend on why they split up in the first place. Although the breakups with both my exs were rancorous at first we tried to remain civilised for our children. My first husband even came to live with me, my father and my two younger children for sometime after the break up of his second marriage when he would otherwise have been homeless.
I’m definitely not friends with either of my exes now ( it’s rather like seeing someone you know but don’t know very well any more) I’m certainly not the person I was 33 years ago when my second marriage broke up and I’ve no reason to expect them to be as they were. Although I hear from the children what is happening in their lives I no longer feel much other than a passing interest in them or their lives. I don’t wish them any harm but no longer have anything in common with them other than our families.
badman  Male  Suffolk 10-Jan-2019 09:11 Message #4733117
BunnyGirl. If the man you're with isn't thinking of you 24/7, then maybe you're not doing the right things.

I'm very pleased to be friends with some of my ex's. The time I spent with them was very good. I have nothing but very good memories and I'm pretty sure they feel the same way.
Some of them still visit but we have no illusions of jumping into bed together again. They are very lovely women and they gave me a wonderful time in my life.
To have a great affection for someone doesn't mean you want to have sex with them. If I'm in a relationship, then that's the only person I want to be intimate with. I hope they would feel the same way regardless of their past.
BunnyGirl  Female  Buckinghamshire 10-Jan-2019 16:26 Message #4733149
Badman, i am not with him but have spoken to him on the phone. Had to cut him short as i was going out.That was Tuesday. Have not heard from him since. It was on his profile that he sees he's ex reguarly coz he gave her one of the puppies and they keep in touch coz they can let the puppies still see each other.

I just wanted to see how other people feel about the subject.
Clocky  Female  the West Midlands 10-Jan-2019 17:55 Message #4733151
I have ex's that are mates. Being in a relationship with them didnt work out but that doesnt mean either of us were bad people. I valued then, as i do now, their input into my life, and they value mine.
Its a sad indictment when you cant be friends with someone just because something you tried failed.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 10-Jan-2019 18:37 Message #4733154
I don't see a relationship breakdown as a failure, its just part of life, you grow and change, sometimes you grow together and sometimes apart, things become more important in your life that they don't wish to share, or things fall away, if you were friends before I think it helps to remain friends after.
Clocky  Female  the West Midlands 10-Jan-2019 18:49 Message #4733155
I agree with you Hen ...i just put it in the simplist form.

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