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Stand by...

...or run for the hills?

Optimus_Prime  Male  Kent 9-Oct-2018 01:26 Message #4726673
Let’s say you have been in a relationship for a few years, and during this time you have wanted to end it for a multitude of reasons. Then all of a sudden your partner becomes disabled! They cannot walk or stand and sex is no longer a part of the equation due to the disability. I am wondering how many people would stand by that person regardless, giving up their job, their time, being a 24 hour seven day a week carer, becoming broke just to care for that person even though half of the time they don’t appreciate it. How many people would run for the hills?
I expect most people here are going to say they would definitely standby them, but you know it is very easy to say such a thing but actually carrying it through sacrificing your own life in the process is another matter.
So, what do you think ? And no BS please.
Brian12  Male  Greater Manchester 9-Oct-2018 03:08 Message #4726674
Depends if u can live a lie for the rest of ur life
Brian12  Male  Greater Manchester 9-Oct-2018 03:08 Message #4726675
Depends if u can live a lie for the rest of ur life
Hierophant  Male  East Anglia 9-Oct-2018 07:43 Message #4726676
Well you'd have to be very unlucky for a start, it sounds like a plot from a film.
Depends on the circumstances - you've clearly been living a lie for a long time and don't love them else you wouldn't have wanted to end it - but then it depends what the "multitude of reasons" are.
What would you do?...
tsunamiwarrior  Male  Hertfordshire 9-Oct-2018 08:45 Message #4726677
Firstly I think "living a lie" is an easy cliche which doesnt reflect the hundreds of good and bad reasons why people stay in relationships. In the circumstances you describe it sounds an impossible task to remain together and it would make more sense to ensure they received the care they need but if there was no love but still a deep affection then it might be a good thing for both to maintain a relationship. In the example it isn't a case of deciding to run due to the partners disability but a case of should they stay together due to the disability.
There is no easy answer but you can only do what you believe is right for you. Running for the hills or abandoning someone when they need you most isn't something I could do but I could ensure their wellbeing and then part ways.
tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 9-Oct-2018 09:05 Message #4726678
The plot for a film comment reminds me of the Eastenders thing with Dirty Den and Brian Mays missus, Ange.

Something along the lines of, he was leaving her, she invented a terminal illness so that he wouldn't leave, he found out, and then on Christmas day, he surprises her with divorce papers and the line 'Happy Christmas Ange'
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Chris2mates  Male  Lancashire 9-Oct-2018 09:26 Message #4726679
As with most things in life, you identify the right thing to do - and then do it.

Procrastination is the killer. You can't put off difficult decisions for too long otherwise nothing happens and life starts to stink.

When the decision is made you then ask what else is needed without being focused on your own needs.

Ultimately you have to be able to live with your decisions and know you did the right thing - and for the right reasons.

Dignity and respect for yourself are also crucial factors in how you choose to decide.

Churchill's view was - if you are going through hell just keep going and it will get you through it. Good advice in my view.
mancers  Male  Greater Manchester 9-Oct-2018 11:31 Message #4726681
I wouldn’t give advice on this because I’d think minds would be made up, and reassurance is what’s required.
Ilsmileforu  Female  Durham 9-Oct-2018 11:52 Message #4726682
If a person has wanted to end the relationship for a multitude of reasons BEFORE the partner became disabled, why didn't the person end the relationship then?
To think about making the decision to leave AFTER the person becomes disabled, sounds like using a situation.

We are all different in our choices, capabilities in managing situations, we all have to make difficult decisions in our life.

There is support in the form of care assistants/support workers,who can support and care for a person, either full time/part time,or while the person is at work.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 9-Oct-2018 12:09 Message #4726685
That situation happened to my neighbour, he stayed and nursed his wife for 25 years, now she's in a home and dosen't recognise him due to dementia. I think all sort of things go into that sort of decision, the feelings of other family members for one thing. I don't think anyone could honestly answer that sort of question until they're put in the situation, we all like to think we'd do the right and noble thing, but real lifes not always like that.
AndyMacG  Male  the West Midlands 9-Oct-2018 17:08 Message #4726700
Well, to be honest from the start the first bucket of BS has come from your opening post, just by mentioning money and sex because in reality sex and money alone don’t make for a working relationship.
The biggest problem here now is they wanted to end this relationship before the situation escalated and now one has become disabled its gonna make it a lot more difficult to break up but if the love has gone and been gone for a long time previous then break up you must, IMHO and like Brian12 says, are you gonna live a lie for the rest of your days?
I know when i took my vows there was mention of “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part” and i know no matter what, had i stayed married and my ex became severely disabled i would have taken care of her till the end and i’m quite sure had the boot been on the other foot she would have taken care of me.

Also, believe it or not there is help available but as to how much help i really don’t know but it cold mean one of you can continue to work but that you would have to look into!

Andy Mac
NotHermit  Male  Derbyshire 9-Oct-2018 19:30 Message #4726713
I have seen people run for the hills, I have also seen people that have been well looked after by their families and friends.
I know someone that lives in a pub, he does not know who the people are running the pub (his family).
But he knows he is in a pub, and he does not have to pay, he just shouts when he wants a drink or something to eat.
The correct answer to your question is what is best for the person with the disability,
Also most carers need to remember to look after themselves too.
eurostar  Female  Merseyside 9-Oct-2018 20:02 Message #4726718
some run some don't. if you can handle it you stay and if you cant then run, even disabled people have feelings and wouldn't want pity or someone who is clearly unhappy around them.

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