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to look or not to look

cos i,m blinkin confused now

eurostar  Female  Merseyside 8-Oct-2018 20:12 Message #4726650
so many times I see/hear comments saying...don't stare cos I,m different/disabled/scarred etc..dont look just go about your business/etc
but then I see/hear comments saying...I had a seizure //no one stopped.
my wheelchair was one stopped

my child was choking one stopped

well if I,m not supposed to look how can I see?
Ilsmileforu  Female  Durham 8-Oct-2018 20:37 Message #4726657
I guess because I have always looked after people in my jobs,I am observant when out and about.
All of the people that I have looked after have had some sort of difference.
So if I saw somebody that needed help I would offer to help.

About 2 years I needed some fresh air, so I was out for a walk one quiet Sunday afternoon.
I had only walked around the corner and I heard someone shouting help, I looked across the road and I could see an older man was shouting.
He had blood pouring form his head, some lads had glassed him, it was difficult as he was trying to cross a busy road without looking.
I managed to walk him across, phoned the ambulance and gently held a sterile dressing on his wound, I couldn't press on as I didn't know where any glass was in his head.
eurostar  Female  Merseyside 8-Oct-2018 20:42 Message #4726661
I,d help anyone and have but I,ve just read a rant on face book off a mother with a child with autism telling people to not look, not stare just walk on by...………..but how can we as caring humans do that,, if someone looks like they are having difficulties isn't it human nature to look to see if help is required?
Nigel_In_Devon  Male  Devon 8-Oct-2018 21:58 Message #4726668
Of Course it's human nature to look and see if help is needed. Mind you, there is a big difference between looking and staring.

I suspect one of the problems is that there is a minority of society that are so insecure in themselves they have this need to ridicule those that appear different
warmundeft  Male  Wrexham 8-Oct-2018 22:45 Message #4726670
Certainly EU*, keeping an eye out for problems and offering to or going to the assistance of someone in trouble is natural and normal. Good for you and anybody else with the same caring streak.
We do need to be a little savvy though and observe discretely, perhaps as part of a self-preservation strategy.
I can easily imagine that the FB ranter had or was having a trying day. But recognising the event for a rant, I think I'd choose to turn the page and move on to another topic.
But thanks for sharing. I for one find it useful to be aware of what upsets or delights other folk.
tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 8-Oct-2018 22:48 Message #4726671
Of course we all look and perhaps stare at all sorts of things. Rubbernecking accidents, disabled, anything different.

There is a general type saying, or sayings, along the lines of 'Children start out honest and innocent, telling things as they are, but then they get less honest, less innocent, more corrupted in ways, as they grow up'..Well, its not an actual saying, but you get the general gist of it. The innocence of children.

But one thing a lot of children, if not all children, seem to do naturally, is stare at something different. And then speak their mind. 'Mummy, look at that fat man' ( One that I get often). Another that I get at the moment because I have grown a few inch long white scraggly beard since my profile photo last year, is 'Look, Father Christmas'

As adults, we don't really grow out of it. And in todays PC world ( not the shop, just the world), we unfortunately often have to forgo helping anyone, which is a major shame.
Hierophant  Male  East Anglia 9-Oct-2018 10:27 Message #4726680
Asking for privacy and demanding less attention by posting on social media sounds a bit odd to me...
tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 9-Oct-2018 12:11 Message #4726686
I have just been watching the video on the BBC website main page, about the girl with the face transplant.

A pretty girl 4 years ago, when she was 18, she had relationship problem and other issues and shot herself in the face.

She is recovering and has had a face transplant, and is wanting to live life again.

Her face after the self inflicted shooting and before the transplant, was something out of a horror film, but since the transplant, at least she is beginning to resemble a human face again. I am not sure if her voice will improve. I expect it will over time.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 10-Oct-2018 11:29 Message #4726766
What NiD said.
TheSarcasticOne  Male  Essex 12-Oct-2018 03:14 Message #4726858
From my experience, it is much easier to ask if they need any help. Listen to what they say and don't assume.

I had to transport a wheelchair user, 18 year old female maybe six stone. She told me to lift her on to the passenger seat, which I did without thinking. She started to ask for me so I asked her why, she said "You just did what I asked, not being funny about touching me."

Too many times people are worried about being inappropriate or touching inappropriately.

As long as you can do as asked or what is needed safely, do fuss about it just get on with it.
tsunamiwarrior  Male  Hertfordshire 12-Oct-2018 10:29 Message #4726865
It’s a difficult one as there are many reasons why we look, offer help or try not to impose.

When my son was a toddler I he struck up a conversation with a severely disabled guy on a mobility scooter who’s talking was almost impossible to understand but they obviously “clicked” and they guy said it was wonderful to actually speak to someone when he was out.
There is more pressure on males to be pc and in my experience offers of help is more often from females.
Do I offer the standing lady on the train a seat? Sometimes I wouldn’t hesitate other times I think should I? I have actually seen women become irate at being offered a seat.
Do I pick up the child who has fallen from a swing if I’m the only one close by?
Only yesterday I helped two people who were being pushed in wheelchairs - once onto a train and the other time when a frail looking person was struggling to push the wheelchair uphill. I’ve been in that situation and help is usually appreciated.
I was sat opposite a lady breast feeding in a coffee shop at the weekend - very discrete and only noticeable after I had plonked myself about two feet away opposite her at a table. Now do I mention it or keep quiet?
I think most people are willing and want to help but hesitate in case it is received the wrong way.
mancers  Male  Greater Manchester 12-Oct-2018 10:58 Message #4726867
Yes I agree with most of what your saying, I usually stop and help people, hold doors, let ladies jump queues before me etc, but excuse me for not understanding the breast feeding lady comment, how could you possibly help her.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 12-Oct-2018 11:23 Message #4726870
I think its about manners rather than chivalry or whatever, I offer people my seat on public transport if they look like they could do with it more than me. I'm often helping people.

If it were me and a small child fell, after making sure they were hurt enough to need an ambulance, I'd set them on their feet, and kneel at their eye level and talk to them and only cuddle them if they started it, I might lead them by the hand to an appropriate place or person.

Small children are so refreshingly direct and without guile, they ask questions that would be rude in an adult or older child and people often take them at face value, many seem glad of an opportunity to be normal with others.

I'd like to echo mancers, what help did you think you could give a breast feedig woman?
tsunamiwarrior  Male  Hertfordshire 12-Oct-2018 11:33 Message #4726873
I can’t think of any obvious help I could give a breast feeding woman unless she was stretching to reach something or dropped something - hopefully not the baby lol. I was making the point that men, not just men but men in particular, are more often in situations when they might hesitate offering help or feel uncomfortable in some situations.
At my age I freely offer help all the time and enjoy doing so but if I was much younger I think I would be more hesitant at times.

Hierophant  Male  East Anglia 12-Oct-2018 11:39 Message #4726874
"If it were me and a small child fell, after making sure they were hurt enough to need an ambulance, I'd set them on their feet, and kneel at their eye level and talk to them and only cuddle them if they started it, I might lead them by the hand to an appropriate place or person."

Sadly, I don't think you'd find many males who would be willing to do any of that with a child, especially a stranger. And that's not because they are unfeeling or uncaring...
barney  Male  Surrey 12-Oct-2018 12:16 Message #4726879
I gave up my seat to a lady on the bus.

That's why I lost my job as a bus driver.

I was asked recently where I stood on breastfeeding in public.

I said, I am usually at the front staring.
warmundeft  Male  Wrexham 12-Oct-2018 12:39 Message #4726883
Agreed with so many of the points made. Feel like I'm in good company.
First time someone offered me their seat on a bus, the plethora of thoughts about the clear implications of the offer rocked me back on my heels, but after accepting graciously, my foremost thought was: 'It's payback time at last'.
Oh so true, these (PC) days, all of us, men more than women, need to show some circumspection in close proximity to others, especially those seen to be more vulnerable. Good manners, chivalry, call such caring behaviour what you will, keep up the good work folks!
TheSarcasticOne  Male  Essex 12-Oct-2018 22:40 Message #4726906
barney . . . . did you see me with the camera?

Breast feeding in public is the womans choice to bare her breast or breasts.

So yes, I would take a picture and make them unhappy.

Before the burn the bra mob get on their high horses, why is it only in recent times this has become needed in public?

Nothing to do with social media and everyone wanting to be famous?
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 13-Oct-2018 11:18 Message #4726923
Most women don't bare their breasts to feed a baby they manage it discretely, post WW2 women were encouraged to bottle feed and away from breast feeding, its taken years to get more women to breast feed and its still an uphill struggle. Are you honestly saying that breast feeding women should be in some sort of purdah, or that its somehow wrong to feed a baby, its is what breasts are for afterall? Purient schoolboy attitudes are part of what women off breast feeding, the best food a baby can have, it has health benefits for both the baby and the mother.
TheSarcasticOne  Male  Essex 13-Oct-2018 20:50 Message #4726940
What I am saying is the maybe they could use discretion like my mother did when she breast feed all four children.

It is not wrong to feed a baby in public, I am sure there is a system in place where women could express pump milk and put it in a bottle.

I am not a "Purient schoolboy" I might be a "Prurient schoolboy", but at the end of the day some things should be kept private or at least intimate.

Too many things that people find annoying/rude/offensive are being made everyday events.

Laws being changed to make things normal, what happens when something you object to become legal?
tsunamiwarrior  Male  Hertfordshire 13-Oct-2018 21:16 Message #4726943
Wonderoushen. When I mentioned breast feeding I was really thinking out loud as I am so much on the side of women doing this but understand how men can feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.
I have a lady friend with a young baby and I have accompanied her to many shops, a few galleries and museums, a couple of restaurants and numerous coffee shops in which she has breastfed her little son and as far as I could tell not one single person in any venue even noticed what she was doing. She’s a young girl in her twenties with her first baby so no experience at being discrete but it comes so naturally.
When I sat down opposite the breast feeding mum I wanted to say something and show my approval but felt it might be seen a bit inappropriate so I settled for a smile and hello :)
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 14-Oct-2018 12:08 Message #4726962
Fair do's tsunami, I agree most women are very discrete.

SO, breast pumps are horrible and many women find them not just uncomfortable but painful to use, then theres all the added hassle of bottles, warming them up and carrying the leaky things around. Why should it be an issue of a woman feeds her baby in public? Its not like we don't see breasts all over the place in other contexts, like advertising, why should that be ok but not feeding a baby?
TheSarcasticOne  Male  Essex 14-Oct-2018 20:24 Message #4726992
Breast feeding is natural and normal, and always used to be done in private.

Going for a wee is natural and normal and normally done in private. If it is uncomfortable or painful to wait to do it in private, should it be done in public?
eurostar  Female  Merseyside 14-Oct-2018 21:51 Message #4726998

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