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Update on my love life.

Being younger, bright, curvy and geeky just isnt enough.

Male
Beach  Male  Dorset 12-Nov-2019 23:22 Message #4762232
On paper it was perfect.

Big brains, big boobs and big outlook on life … except … my female friend just does my head in!

Amazingly, (at first), I thought … Wow, you are EXACTLY like me … though in a female form.

Now I am thinking … Jeez, do I overwhelm folk the way my female friend overwhelms me?

Turns out … being bright, busty and brazen just doesn’t cut it.

My last? chance at finding love fails … by my own reckoning. :-(

And it was a genuine, real life encounter. (Not via the net)

My younger, quite desirable, female friend doesn’t know I hold these feelings but what hope is there … if I’m being so picky … so late in life?
Male
Goody2shoes  Male  Nottinghamshire 12-Nov-2019 23:57 Message #4762233
I think most people get picky with age.
Does it have to be everything, could you 2 not just have geeky fun?
Female
Cassis  Female  Cambridgeshire 13-Nov-2019 00:57 Message #4762234
Definitely, G2Shoes.
I try not to be really picky, but find myself wanting everything to be just right: looks, personality, intellect, sexual/physical chemistry, etc. My exes in my youth certainly wouldnt make all of that checklist now!
Male
Beach  Male  Dorset 13-Nov-2019 01:26 Message #4762235
I know, Goody2shoes,

I should be grateful my friend appreciates me but ... and she excites me physically ... and she is great fun and enjoys most of my hobbies and pastimes. (which is also great).

Although ... I'm discovering that the very thing(s) that draw us together also acts as a barrier to actually bring us together romantically.

Turns out ... She's too geeky! :-)

She thinks we are close / romantic. (In her way).

Me? I'm not feeling it quite as strongly.

As I said, on paper, we are 100% as far as interests are concerned.

God. Can I say this?

She's Cockney ... She sounds exactly like Barbara Windsor. lol

Am I finding her demeanour a bit of a turn off?

Maybe it's that.

Dunno ... but even though I fancy her, I find her nervous energy too much at times.
---

Interestingly, EVERY time she appears on the doorstep at Beach cottage, there is some kind of drama she has to tell me about BUT whenever she leaves, she leaves very calm and zen like ... to the point I've said ... "The moment you walk over the threshold, (into my space), I want you to feel you have walked into some kind of a sanctuary".

And it's fine ... and Beach cottage, (and me), do provide that peace and tranquillity. (And I love her company once she calms down).

BUT ... it shouldn't need me to have to bring her down to a point where she enjoys being herself, should it?

Incidentally. I don't mean she is crazy. Far from it but ... there is this therapy thing where she says, (and I see), she has found some peace thing ... though I have no idea why visiting me seems to make her happy. (I'm not aware of some issue or upset in her own life ... other than the kind of stuff we all might feel from time to time.)

All that said ... I'm not used to drama OR being some kind of a therapist.

I only know Love story. (Which lasted me 20 years ... of my bestest years).

She thinks everything is fine ... and she is lovely ...

It's probably me ...

Though I'm not quite sure why.
Male
Beach  Male  Dorset 13-Nov-2019 01:34 Message #4762236
Ha ha, Cassis,

You say that but ... there is one ex I would crawl over burning coals to reunite with but ... she would be in her late 50's now. :-(

Growing older has not been easy for me! lol
Male
Beach  Male  Dorset 13-Nov-2019 01:39 Message #4762237
PS. Nice new profile photo, Cassis.

Very eye pleasing ... like all of your previous photos. ;-)
Female
Cassis  Female  Cambridgeshire 13-Nov-2019 02:58 Message #4762239
Thanks, Beach....I was very happy at the time that photo was taken - with several fun friends, in beautiful Sorrento, eating delicious food.....perfect!
I think, in general, it's best never to go back re old flames. A few years ago, I met the guy I fell in love with when I was 15, and the exciting young Georgie Best lookalike had turned into a curmudgeonly vintage Kenny Dalgleish lookalike!!
Male
Pboro Trevor  Male  Cambridgeshire 13-Nov-2019 09:06 Message #4762249
If you wait for Mr/Mrs perfect you will die of old age.

Compromise, try anything and everything, you never know what you may find between two people that connects them.

Trevor
Male
MrQuiet  Male  Northamptonshire 13-Nov-2019 09:10 Message #4762251
Trevor. There are many who try to choose a partner by writing a checklist and looking at photos. As you say it’s more important to meet more people and see if they do click.
Female
Minnie-the-Minx  Female  Hertfordshire 13-Nov-2019 10:30 Message #4762259
I don't think it is that unusual for one person in a couple to like the other more. From what you say, it sounds like she enjoys the status quo and you don't enjoy it quite so much.

My last relationship broke up for more or less the same reason, but in reverse. He was perfectly happy with things as they were and I wasn't. We didn't have identical interests but let's say that they were compatible, he was nice and interesting company, tall and good looking, generally kind, easy going and good natured. Everything I could want. Where we differed is in what we both wanted out of the relationship and I eventually realised that I was actually leading his life, not my own. There wasn't a middle ground and I decided after 10 years that it was better for me and my long term mental health to go my own way. So I did.
Female
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 13-Nov-2019 10:37 Message #4762261
Maybe you don't need somone who's almost a clone of yourself? Maybe you need someone more fiercely intellectual rather than geeky? Does this relationship lack challenge for you? Its nice to have all your views and feeling affirmed but it does get boring after a while. I've found a lot of people who I should get on with on paper I don't in real life, maybe we're interested in the same things but come at it from different ends and can find no middle, maybe because we're allegedly interested in the same things I find myself asigned opinions that I don't hold.

If you want a relationship don't give up hope, maybe think about it differently, look for someone extraordinary to do ordinary things with, then everything you do from going shopping to travelling will be an adventure.
Male
Beach  Male  Dorset 13-Nov-2019 11:36 Message #4762278
Thanks for the insightful comments, MSE'rs. x

I think, to my own surprise, I've, sort of, friend zoned a person rather than allowed things an opportunity to develop romantically which, considering how well meshed we seemed, is a confusing thing to admit.

H tends to whirl in like a hurricane and, despite her pleasing outward physique, is more akin to a tom boy rather than the arch-typical female sort I'm probably more used to ...

Mind you ... Jackie and I were just weekend partners for months and months before something special clicked into place, (eventually turning into a 20 year love story), so I suppose H and I could carry on as we are and just go with the flow.

Lack challenge? Boring?

Yes. You may be onto something there, Hen. Not with your choice of words though. ... but there is a sense of something not being fulfilled.

I mean; maybe the narrative is wrong and maybe I'm still seeking some genuinely romantic vibe to act as a glue to bind us together whereas I'm, instead, getting a ... well ... yes ... an excitable clone / female version of myself ... which is just bloody exhausting to field or contain!

And the most telling thing?

Well ... If this was a true relationship, I just wouldn't be airing these thoughts publicly, would I?

Whereas, in reality, I'm just discussing a new friend I've met ... with so many aspects of her still representing being a stranger ... so these thoughts and comments are neither candid revelations or the breaking of some sort of trust.

I guess I should just hold on and wait for spring and summer ...

Things are always better in the summer. :-)
Female
JustLyn  Female  Cheshire 13-Nov-2019 13:28 Message #4762285
After being in a "living his life" relationship ...well...marriage, for 28 years, and kind of doing that in my first marriage too, it could have been sooooo tempting to do what many do and feel life has to be a couple and leap into the first opportunity.

I spent most of my time avoiding a relationship, I realise possibly subconsciously, that I was also afraid of what some guys would impose having two adult kids who depend on me at home. One who came for a coffee, who kept tracking me online, said "What are you going to do with him?" meaning my son.

In a funny peculiar way (as opposed to hilarious), my "kids" sorted the boys from the men, and male platonic transitional friends became friends with my kids too!

Anyway, my present relationship was more keen than me at first (too soon after his partner of 28 years had died) and I kept saying I'm just looking for a coffee companion, well...he grew on me, he has become attractive in ways that first appearance doesn't always reveal. The smile, the dancing eyes, the laughing we have. We don't even equally share interests, but we enjoy sharing different interests, and now I have given my notice in last week at work, I need to tactfully avoid not losing my late in life enjoyed freedom. But Hey, he isn't the possessive type so he just laughs and goes birdwatching or fishing when I have my female friend days. I think it is really important to not slip back and become joined at the hip and instead of maybe being in my current week-end relationship, extend it to a long week-end relationship with one of the loveliest, chilled, funny, well-read, musician, wildlife enthusiast guys one could wish to meet.

I think if one isn't sure about a relationship, if the other person chooses to hang around and be friends, it is ultimately up to them. I don't go with this all or nothing love at first sight thing because sometimes love is more of a slow burning glow than an instant raging fire.
Female
Sea  Female  Essex 13-Nov-2019 16:46 Message #4762293
Hi Beach,
i knpow exactly how you feel. When you have had the best it is difficult to choose one of the rest and that is if you are lucky enough to be in the position to make a choise? From experience I have discovered that sometimes those who seem to have most in cpomman with you can turn out to be really difficult to talk to, wheras somebody who has much less in common will be a lot easier and you may well get on like a house on fire. But I would rather be on my own than with someone who would drive me insane. An example is a guy in Cyprus who owns a boat at the sailing club. I have crewed for him a couple of times and he has rather tried to latch onto me although not in the romantic sence but mainly a kind of matter of fact sense, as he hates being on his own and has given strong hints that i could move in with him. This is despite the fact I hardly know him. Think I would tear my hair out if I ever did. He is just so slow and dithering i would feel like I was permanently carrying a ball and chain. There is a breifing at the sailing club prior to taking to the water; wind direction, speed etc. and where to sail. Then everybody goes down to harbour where boats have been taken and prepares to enter the sea, all except us that is. He goes back to his car then spends simply ages putting suncream on every part of his body, t hen will have a slow drink of water, then hunts for shoes and slowly chages them etc. etc.....and eventually locks up and you think at last and start heading off. Then you suddenly realise he is not with you and is wlking in the opposite direction. He has decided to go the loo without saying anything. Half hour later he emerges. And then we have the main sail to put up that everybosy else has done yonks ago. We of course end up being the very last boat into the sea. Now all this could and should have been done before the briefing. Just too frusdtrating for words, as I had been ready for the off when the briefing finished. I have also met people who are supposed to be into walking but it turns out that their idea of walking is the slow shuffle. What in theory may sound good on paper, can in practise be a disaster. Good luck.

Female
Victoriana11  Female  Buckinghamshire 13-Nov-2019 17:55 Message #4762299
Beach, You are still carrying a torch for Jackie. You mention her so often. I think you have to (try to) accept the past and move on. The new lady was/is still a novelty but you havent accepted that she is not, and will not, be Jackie.
It doesnt matter how much chemistry is there, you do need to have common interests. If you are looking for a LT relationship, then you must think about liking the bad as well as the good. After all, you will have to spend a long time together under the same roof, if its going to work for you both.
I had relationships in the past which were fantastic in the initial stages, but a year or two into some of them , was awful. Either I couldnt stand some of their ways or vice versa. There's nothing worse than living with someone who bllddy irritates you all the time, even with just little things.... they turn into big things eventually.

I dont think its a good idea to have' lots' of different interests outside of the relationship either (ok have a few) but if you are going to spend a lot of time apart doing your own thing, why bother. Relationships are about doing things together & sharing - good and bad.

Remember also, you can get sex anywhere, but you can always get a happy & loving co-existence .
Female
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 13-Nov-2019 18:54 Message #4762304
Wow V that last sentence of yours was powerful!

Beach sorry if my actual words rather than the content distressed you, I can only off decaffienation as an excuse and appologise. I think what I meant was more being challenged in a good way, someone who can discuss stuff with you on the same level, but give you mental kick up the bum and make you think about things in a different way, personally its something I quite enjoy. Challenging in a bad way, no, no, no, thats just unpleasantness waiting to happen.

Why wouldn't you want something more romantically involved? Many people do, but maybe if Jackie was all fireworks, brass bands, gongs and whistles, you need to accept that its probably not going to happen like that again. I think many people have this sort of relationship once in their lives and its hard not to go looking for it again, but thats as impossible as having an easily defined shopping list, sure we all have our preferences, but often its better to try and set those aside because you might be missing out. Obviously there are things like personal hygene that arn't up for discussion, but maybe body type, stuff like that could be, if its the right person things like that won't matter because all you will see is thier inner beauty shining out and inner beauty is far more visible and probably important than the purely physical, especially as we get older.
Male
Beach  Male  Dorset 13-Nov-2019 21:09 Message #4762310
Thanks, everyone, for your positive comments. x

Forgive me for not addressing each or every comment. It would be too much to have to address so many points but I have appreciated all your advice and thoughts.

Anyway. The relationship is still on or available or in existence so it isn't as if I've got anything to be sorry or sorrowful about.

I did laugh at my own comment though ... regarding wishing for summer!!

Where did that one come from? It's only a couple of months since this summer has passed so I should slap my own wrist for wishing my life away. :-)
---
No offence taken, Hen. Everything is fine.
Male
Beach  Male  Dorset 13-Nov-2019 22:04 Message #4762324
I must say you've all written some brilliant comments / essays / personal accounts regarding relationships and / or relationship advice.

It made for very enjoyable and thought provoking reading. x


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