Conversation Health and Wellbeing
Helper icon Helpers: Chris2mates , LLstill , PrincessFruitBat

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Heartbroken still

Advice needed

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LLstill  Female  South Yorkshire
7-May-2019 07:31 Message #4739658
As some of you will have read we found my 19 yr old son in bed dead just over five weeks ago.Still have to wait at least another 3-5 wks to maybe find out why when all tests completed.I try and get through each day as that's what expected and I get told this. My doctor has now changed me from diazepam to beta blockers and meanwhile I full my day as best as I can to keep me busy and try and stop me thinking.i even returned to work just two days a week.Some people think I'm doing so well.Well I'm not .my son is on my mind every moment of the day and if it wasn't for my lovely husband Andy and my older children I would give up.Yes I know they say you learn to live with it . But the pain inside of me is tremendous.I do ring child death line up ,who have all been through the same thing and understand everything I say..If everyone else seems to get through it why am I struggling so much.I keep getting told it's early days and yes I know this.But I'm fed up of crying and having this horrible pain inside of me everyday
warmundeft  Male  Wrexham
7-May-2019 08:21 Message #4739659
Oh yes LLstill, as I'm sure is the case for many at MSE, you and your family have been on my mind.

Support from your family, whose feelings are likely to be similar to yours, will be crucial for some time to come.
Advice - golly, what do I know that might help ? Yours is a situation that just leaves me aware of my own inadequacies,
so when those who are in closer contact with you (and you say there are a fair number) are all urging you to keep on doing what you can then there's little more that can can add - wish it were otherwise.

To say that things must feel utterly grotty for you is surely understating the situation.

Just a thought, there's many around similarly bewildered, who may avoid contact because they just do not know what to say to you - however, they too are probably feel supportive and wish there was something they could offer - if it becomes possible, please ask them.

Keep on hanging on. Best wishes.
Judance  Female  Berkshire
7-May-2019 09:54 Message #4739665
I'm not sure I'm qualified to give any advice, lovely lady, but here are some thoughts from me …

I think that you are still suffering from shock as well as grief. A double whammy. Finding your son like that and realising there was nothing you could do for him must have been horrendous. At times like this we always think that there must have been something we could have done to prevent it happening. I'm sure you have searched your head thinking if there was any sign that you might have missed.

Then there is the grieving that comes with losing a loved one, made so much harder when it's your child. There is no time limit on grief, LL, no time by which you should have 'got over it'.

I imagine that the waiting for test results is not helping. I'm also wondering what you are hoping for once the results are back. It will give you a reason why this happened but you will still be missing your son. When you think about your son, what is it that you think about? Is it the 'why?' or are you re-living the moment you found him?
If it's the latter then you need to look for a way to put that aside. it's happened and you can't change it, however much you re-visit it will only end the same way.

I think coming on here and getting all this off your chest is a good thing. You can say anything here, you won't upset us like you could your family. Talking of which, how are your other children coping? They must be as devastated as you at losing their brother.

Sending some virtual hugs, but I guess Andy is being liberal with those.

Love Ju xx
tumbled  Male  Gloucestershire
7-May-2019 11:07 Message #4739671
Very sorry to hear of your situation. Some proper counselling type things will probably be needed.

I know there is an NHS one, maybe called by different names around the country. The one around here is called either 'Lets talk' or '2gether', but I think it comes under something called 'Improving access to psychological therapies (IAPT)'

I'm not sure where the nearest one for you is, but initially they do phone calls to analyse and understand your situation, and the severity of your state of mind, and then they act accordingly, whether they think you are emergency or not.

It may be worth giving something like that a try, if you can face it. It sounds like it is very much needed.
jennifer  Female  Gloucestershire
7-May-2019 11:08 Message #4739672
LLStill, I am so very sorry to read about your bereavement.

I can't even imagine the pain, shock, complete devastation you are feeling.

Losing a child, I know, is so different from losing a husband, but when that happened to me, the events kept playing over in my head, like a video camera on permanent rewind. I felt like I was struggling to cope with the loss and their must be something wrong with me that I wasn't handling it as everyone around me was. Then I realised, that we all grief in our own way .. in our own time .. and there is no time limit or right or wrong way. I joined an online group for widows and I was able to say all the things that were in my head to people that I knew had been/were in the same place as myself. I learned that what I was feeling didn't make me somehow struggling ... it was me grieving, in my way. I learned that what I was feeling wasn't unusual ... it was normal and how could I feel otherwise, under the circumstances. So, I would say the same to you ... how could you possibly, as a mother, feel other than you do?

An old lady said to me shortly after my husband died, that I would never get over it and I thought then I can't go on living with this pain inside me. I know now that she was right ... there are some events that we will never get over, but we learn to accept and live with them, but that takes time and no-one can say how long or short a time that should be before the pain lessens and the video stops playing over and over again in our heads. Take one day at a time ... one hour ... one minute if necessary, knowing that each minute passed is a success in surviving the devastation of losing your son.
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
7-May-2019 11:23 Message #4739675
What Ju said and TW, counselling is a space where you can have a good emotional vomit with someone who's caring but not involved emotionally with you or your familly, where you can express all your emotions without fear or judgement. If you're revisiting the momment you found your son then you really need to talk to someone, you need to keep telling anyone who will listen over and over again, its like draining a wound, its no good doing it just the once and hoping for the best, although it sounds counter intuitive you need to keep the wound open to allow it to drain and heal from the inside out.

As others have said theres no right way to grieve, theres no "proper" time frame, just allow yourself to feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it.
JustLyn  Female  Cheshire
7-May-2019 12:53 Message #4739684
As a person who trained in counselling but isn't a counsellor, avoiding the grief tends to extend it. I mean trying to not think about it, it's not going to happen.

My favourite Buddhist writer, Pema Chodren calls it "Touching the sharp points" as old-fashioned tendency has always been to take one's mind of it, then feel guilty for feeling able to speak about it. The problem about feigning silence is people then think you are over it or dealing with it, and the selfish ones are happy to get an easier time because they are insulated from your pain.

As WH states, offloading to a trained grief counsellor helps you to put your thoughts in order and actually speaking, not keeping quiet, helps your mind to do this. A class I was in thought I explained it well when I said not speaking (or even writing) leaves your head full of odd Lego bricks and hearing yourself talking and the counsellor replaying it back, helps you to build understanding and a way through all the devastation. Xx
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LLstill  Female  South Yorkshire
7-May-2019 13:45 Message #4739692
Thank you to all of you for replying.When I last spoke to the doctor a week ago she said I have to make an appointment at the end of the eight weeks as they don't consider counseling until then.As one of you said the guilt I feel is terrible.I spoke to him briefly when I got in the night before when I got in at half eight from work.At four in the morning I had a cup of tea made by Andy and then sat and read.This is all playing havoc on my mind as I know when we found him he had been dead a few hrs and even the police said looked like he had died early hrs of the morning.Its no good anyone saying to me it's not my fault but the guilt I feel to think in the next room my son was either dying or dead is eating me away.The dreadful anxiety attacks I have are terrible. hopefully the beta blockers will calm them down.My other children I don't want them to know how bad I get with them.i know they too are greiving and Andy also as he looked upon as Sean as his son for the last 9 yes.I worry how much this must be effecting Andy as he's the only one who has seen me at my worst when I'm screaming at him to help me.i feel as if I'm about to explode inside my head and my heart is going to give up on me.I hate the morning s and from 3 o'clock onwards when again the pain is at its worst. One friends partner more or less said the doctor may say how can I work two days a week if I'm feeling this bad.He did have a point but he nor anyone knows the how hard I'm finding it.I manage to hold the tears back now I'm with my clients but then the flood gates open soon as I leave What's the alternative, I cry at home all day anyway.At least when I'm at work I some how or other manage to keep going.No I still don't know why my son died.He wasn't into drugs or ,smoking and very rare had a drink.He had lots of medical problems over the years and only a year ago the heart consultant didn't want to see him anymore.And yes I do blame myself because as a mum your suspose to know f there is something wrong .I honestly hope when the tests results come through they can say it was a adult sort on cot death.Maybe and only maybe I can stop blaming myself.He also had an unexplained cut on his forehead .IV no idea when that happened.Did he get up in the night and had a fall and I never heard him.I just don't know apart from I want to hold him again and tell him how sorry I am for not being there
justfem  Female  Cambridgeshire
7-May-2019 14:25 Message #4739700
This is one occasion where you might find facebook groups may help with bereavement. In my case as an Alzheimer's carer the dedicated groups have been a godsend that have stopped me from sinking. I've had support at my fingertips when I've wanted to rant, wanted to cry and just wanted some help. Sometimes giving me the tools that nobody else have been able to do in order to help me cope. They may not work for you but in my case it's been a place to turn to when things are getting tough and you might get some help from others who are going or gone through it before. There are times when loved ones are too close but you still need a sounding board to vent your grief. ((HUGS))
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LLstill  Female  South Yorkshire
7-May-2019 14:34 Message #4739708
Jennifer can I just say sorry about your loss nd what you too went through when you lost your husband.
Justfern I tried a couple of online bereavement groups but unfortunately they made me more depressed so after only one evening I took myself off.
works been very good and have put me with clients I know I can deal with and also not as longer hours.Andy s work have been very good and put him on days regularly as I couldn't cope very well when he was on the afters shifts.Its as Jennifer mentioned it's the thought this same pain maybe with me a long time
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd
7-May-2019 19:06 Message #4739727
LLStill, Have you tried contacting Cruse bereavement care? They're a nationwide charity and they have wealth of knowlege and experience helping people who are bereaved in all sorts of different circumstances, they might have a waiting list for face to face counselling in your area but they have a phone line 0808 808 1677 and they're open until 8pm, they also have lots of online information. With respect and I know you know your children best, but maybe they need to see the depths of your grief, it could be healing for all of you, from what you say they're not little now and you don't need to shield them in the way you did when they were little. I hope your friend told her partner to shut the feck up, that was a really insensitive and stupid comment, I guess you're going to work because you don't know what to do with yourself and when you're there at least you're doing something even if it is hard. I understand why you feel you should have known he was dying in the next room and that maybe you could of stopped it or changed the outcome in some way, but try and forgive yourself for not being omnipotent and only human you must have so many "what if's" running around your head it must be like being stuck in a mental hamster wheel. ((Hugs))
MrNatural  Male  Essex
7-May-2019 20:08 Message #4739728

I've lost a number of friends who have gone before their parents. It's inevitable that the terrible thing that has happened to you will change you and in infinitesimal ways you change every day getting eventually to the final place you will be with this. This doesn't make it any easier or even seem easier and it seems extremely crass to say time will help but it is early days and take the help and support which friends and family will want to give you. The people around you will know what you're going through and will to a certain extent feel helpless but as others have said, just hang in there. There is no straight path, one has good days and then bad days, but eventually the good days become more frequent and the bad days get less and less frequent and not so extreme.

warmundeft  Male  Wrexham
10-May-2019 09:51 Message #4739901
'Morning LLstill.
Please allow me to start by offering a {{{Hug}}}.

Stumbled across an item on TV and thought of you. What was being shown, was a group of people gathered on a Cornish cliff-top and all engaged in sketching and painting. All spoke of undergoing recent trauma, including loss of a loved one. Their consensus was that their creative activity required enough concentration to divert them, for varying lengths of time, from their immediate feelings arising from their grief.
(In the aftermath of the cancers taking my wife, jobs around the garden worked for me, but of course we are all different.)

Not suggesting that you rush out straight away to book a place giving art lessons in Newlyn, but maybe, when the time is right for you, to get away from familiar surroundings could possibly be of value to your own well-being. You say you are going back to work for some of the time and perhaps that gives an indication of the benefits of a change of surroundings. I have heard that the anticipation of such an activity can also be beneficial. And I guess that if someone else takes on the booking tasks, then that would be of value to you also.

It's all just an idea.

Please offer my regards to your 'support team' too.
rea1  Female  West Yorkshire
26-May-2019 18:50 Message #4740734
You'v nothing to feel guilty about LLstill, as you know my mum and dad found my brother had died in bed when she went to get him up for work, he had a brain hemorrhage. My mum felt guilty as he'd complained re headache and she just said take pain killers and stop moaning. She felt guilty for a long time, but as we told her she wasn't to know, and at least he went in his own bed rather than out on the street. I realised after losing 4 brothers, parents, 2 babies and a husband, these times are out of our hands and there's nothing we could have done. You didn't know this was going to happen to Sean, it was probably a normal night, he went to bed etc but as a mum we feel we should protect them but you can't have known. The pain never goes away but it does ease over time. Take care all of you and take it a day at a time.

Liz ??

26-May-2019 20:49 Message #4740739
I'm not religious but I will say a prayer for you.

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