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Usual problem

Alone, bored, sad

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Female
Aely  Female  Hampshire 24-Nov-2016 19:20 Message #4667166
I'm just writing this to kill a few minutes of what has been another long, boring, alone day.

I did the washing up and cleaned the cooker this morning. I watched tv. I ate lunch (yesterday's left-over quiche), I checked I didn't need to fetch some more spuds from the shed where they are keeping cold and dark. I watched more television. I spent a considerable time on the internet trying to find a club, society or entertainment locally, without success.

I found an organisation which tries to help, by giving people a tv or radio.

I found the RVS "combat loneliness" scheme. Nearest venue 25 miles away.

I found the Ladies section of the local Round Table. Age limits 18 to 45.

I checked out the Age uk "combat loneliness" scheme. "Nothing found in your area".

There is of course the Ladies section of the local Round Table, called The Inner Wheel. I know the ladies there. Generally speaking I don't like them. My Aunty didn't like them much either and she was the founder and chairwoman!

I found a site which suggests 25 ways of conbating loneliness. It suggested such useful tactics as watching tv, reading a book, going out to lunch on one's own or making a random train journey.

I checked out what passes for our local entertainment venues (in the next town). The Princes Hall theatre's next production isn't until 8th December when the Pantomime starts. The West End Centre has a Punk band playing.

Thankfully, about half an hour ago my daughter called in on her way back from work to Andover so we had a quick cup of tea and a slice of cake and I have an invitation to visit her on Saturday for lunch, so now only 4 hours to kill before I go to bed. Of course this Saturday is the one day this month when there is a 2 hour pensioners' group meeting in the local library but there will be another one at the end of January.
Female
Aely  Female  Hampshire 24-Nov-2016 19:57 Message #4667168
I used to go to the local libray for the book club and Knit and Natter (the knitting bit was optional). I've just checked if they are still running but it appears not. I guess they died when the library went self-service a year or so back and most of the staff were made redundant. I could play scrabble - but I have to go to Winchester Library for that.
Female
Santalina  Female  Hampshire 24-Nov-2016 21:12 Message #4667178
"I spent a considerable time on the internet trying to find a club, society or entertainment locally, without success."

Aely ditto..there's nothing in this area is there. And what there is seems to be "couple" orientated.

There doesn't seem to be any other site like MSE. I miss it for how it used to be with the banter on the boards and regular meetups. As others have said here recently, so many have left..
Female
Victoriana11  Female  Buckinghamshire 24-Nov-2016 21:35 Message #4667181
Aely is there an auction house in your area. Can be quite fun just going along to see whats going on. The people are usually interesting too. Might take a while to get chatting but generally they are a good lot. You dont have to spend any money, just go along for the social thing. You can always get a cup of tea, and a bacon sandwich ( if you want it). The smaller auctions (goods & chattels) are the best, I find them more interesting. The farm auctions are good too. Livestock is always interesting and so are the people. Quite a lot just go along for the social thing too. Google your local area for auctions.
Female
Cassis  Female  Cambridgeshire 24-Nov-2016 22:03 Message #4667186
I live alone, Aely, and in a small village (we don't even have a 'milk and newspaper' shop and public transport consists of 1 bus out early morning and 1 bus back early evening!). I've been ill this last couple of weeks so at home nearly every day on my own. My daughter doesn't ever visit or talk to me and I have no close family, apart from my handicapped son, to talk to even on the phone...yet I never feel bored or lonely, in fact I love being alone after years of being surrounded by too many people! I think being alone is only loneliness if you see it that way.

So, on my own in the house I read, watch TV, write, listen to music, to radio and to podcasts, do crosswords, sudoko etc. I do my own DIY and decorating (badly); chat to friends on the phone, make arrangements to go out, often evenings.

Every time I do some routine thing, like grocery shopping, I chat to anyone whether I already know them or not. I don't think I ever go anywhere without having a conversation with someone new!

I still work at my job, but it's a lonely occupation being 95% 1 - 1 in an 'unsociable' place! But I also do voluntary "on call" and consultancy with a local rape crisis centre, and that's something like I would do even when retired.

I date without fixed agenda when not in a relationship - you make new friends and acquaintances that way even if you don't want anything more, and even as a one-off it's fun to have an evening out with someone new.

Then I follow my interests - meet up with a group of writers I found by researching it, and continue ballet classes as well as other dance when I have the time. For the last couple of months I've been doing a gym class twice a week (to keep fit and healthy).

I decided recently I needed to expand my social horizons, so I looked at the local events and groups I'd be interested with Meet-Up (just Google it). I'm now a member of two travel groups, and two social groups ("Fun & Fabulous 40s,50's,and beyond" and "Not a crochet hook or knitting needle in sight"). Just starting out on these I'm going to a social "after work" get-together in a cocktail bar, a Sunday Brunch, and a Christmas Quiz night.

I know we're all different, Aely, but there's usually a way of changing things if the status quo isn't what you want; and I'm just telling you about my way of doing that, which may give you a different perspective or maybe a suggestion or two. I don't mean to come across as patronising, sorry if I am. Cassis x
Female
Aely  Female  Hampshire 24-Nov-2016 22:07 Message #4667188
No Vic, there isn't. I have long fancied going to an auction so checked it out a long time back. There is an Auction house in the Guildford area, about 20 miles away but it only deals with high value items. My Aunty's Jade and gold jewellery went there but they wouldn't take the silver items - too low value for them.

There was a general Auction house in Fleet, about 3 miles away back in the 1960s. It sold mostly furniture.
Female
Bewildered  Female  Norfolk 24-Nov-2016 22:18 Message #4667190
What a shame there are so many of us on here that are lonely, alone or looking for friendship yet all live so far away from each other.
Female
Aely  Female  Hampshire 24-Nov-2016 23:10 Message #4667192
I appreciate your comments Cassis, I also do crosswords (cryptic) when I can get hold of them. I read as much as my dodgy eyes can stand. I used to go to the gym but it went bust about 3 years back and now does Martial Arts only. Pilates and stretch is about my limit.

I wish I had friends I could ring and arrange to go out with but I don't. If I did have such friends and they had transport to ferry me around we would be stuck for somewhere to go. The 2 or 3 friends I do have locally don't drive and although friendly we have little in common. Sadly one of them who I am pleased to have pop round occasionally for a cuppa and chat appears to be entering the early stages of dementia. Another is very sweet and a lovely lady but not very bright so things to chat about are limited.

I do chat while waiting for the bus if I can but the stop is mostly used by elderly non English speaking Nepalese and large groups of 6th form collegers welded to their mobile phones or music players who regard anybody over 30 as an alien species.

I haven't worked for 14 years. After being a stay at home Mum for years I retrained and eventually got a job but 2 frozen shoulders stopped me working a few years later.

As for dating, although I have a boyfriend of sorts he lives some distance away and we can't see each other very often but I have always been free to have male friends. I am very comfortable with men as friends. When working it has always been in a male dominated environment. I did have a good friend here, no romantic inclinations on either side, and we would hang out but he retired and has now moved up North nearer his kids and grandkids. I actually met him through MSE years ago. I haven't met anybody else I would wish to date under any circumstances in the past 12 years. The few single men in my age group around here are single for good reasons.

I found meetup during my internet search earlier today. It is the Farnbough/Farnham group. Its functions are mostly at Farnham Maltings, a venue not accessible from here by public transport which is a pity as I would otherwise be interested. It was the only thing I found during my search.
Female
wholelottakaren  Female  Lincolnshire 24-Nov-2016 23:18 Message #4667195
do you have a local newspaper? If you feel this way there are probably lots of other people in teh same boat. Could you maybe get them to do an interview with you and maybe you could set up something
Female
Cassis  Female  Cambridgeshire 25-Nov-2016 00:14 Message #4667205
Yes, I can see your problems, Aely; I can't imagine how I would manage without my car...well I couldn't really live here without one! That means I can get in and out of Cambridge easily (though parking's a different problem), it's not far and lots of things are on there, including many of the meet-up groups.
I didn't know anyone round here when I moved here from Broxbourne, but I was lucky in chancing upon a house in a little enclave with absolutely lovely neighbours. I'm only a minute's walk from our pub and, because I often go there when meeting someone or have friends staying, then I've got to know the landlord and various regulars.

The meet-up network seems good generally, but I suppose if you live out of town anywhere then it's going to be about being able to get to things by public transport. The thing with Meet-up, though, is that you can start a group of your own, then you could have a venue that suits you. I don't go to the travel group in Huntingdon as it's on an unsuitable night for me, but the guy who started that and has regular weekly meetings, holds them at his home and he and his wife also supply members who attend with food and drink!

I wasn't a member on mse when things seemed to have been really "happening", but it is a shame there aren't lots of meets, and I guess that's mostly down to fewer members.We'll all have to try to keep the boards going at least:)
Male
barney  Male  Surrey 25-Nov-2016 00:46 Message #4667207
Aely,
If you like playing scrabble you can play a game online called lexulous. Its the same as scrabble but owing to copyright they use eight tiles instead of seven. The board and everything else is the same.
There are people on there looking for people to challenge them and play games. I play all the time and its good fun and passes the time.
Male
Helper icon Helper
Chris2mates  Male  Lancashire 25-Nov-2016 09:07 Message #4667219
Loneliness is a real curse in life I feel. Although I have those I can speak with and a couple of close friends, I know what loneliness feels like and how crushing it can be. There is a desperate need for new groups to be established to encourage people to get together. OPerhaps walking groups, cycling groups, photography clubs, bowling groups .. the possibilities are there but they need those who can organise and motivate others. Not everyone has those skills - but those who do are worth their weight.

For online games, try a site called itsyourturn (dot) com. I use it to play chess online with my brothers, but there are a variety of games and many variations. The site is free to join and there are rarely any issues with the site because it doesn't rely on Java. There is also a brief comments section where chatting can be done. I often exchange messages with my brother in the US and a brother in East Lancashire and another brother in Manchester.

I agree there is no other site like MSE and there are some wonderful people on here who go to the trouble of organising events for others. I perhaps dip in and out of events to suit without fully appreciating the benefits these people bring to others - but I do feel deeply grateful for their time and efforts. I won't embarrass them by naming them - but I think they know who they are!

The challenge of loneliness is a big one. I live in dread of experiencing it again in the future. The problem is when you are alone it is so hard to reach out. We depend on others reaching in - and therein lies the challenge we all have!
Female
Blue-Poppy  Female  East Yorkshire 25-Nov-2016 10:04 Message #4667220
Have you looked at www.meetup.com - Someone I know joined a local one and they do all sorts of things. She has just moved to another town and already joined the local group. I don't know where you actually live so I can't see if there is one near you.

Could you volunteer at a charity shop, they always seem to want people and you will meet lots of new people that way - a lot of whom will be in the same boat as you and looking to make friends.

Age Concern or UK or whatever they call themselves now - I mean the headquarters not just a shop - is an excellent place to volunteer.

Where I live we have a sort of organisation where organisations/firms who want voluntary workers leave their details and to where a prospective volunteer applies, (I've not phrased that well) and they will search the database for the kind of 'work' you could or want to do.

I am too far away or I would happily meet you weekly for a meal or a drink but is there no one at all on here that you could meet (you've probably already explored this avenue)? I will however PM you with my phone number.
Female
joolsy  Female  Essex 25-Nov-2016 10:09 Message #4667221
Oh there must be something we can do .. It makes me sad to feel you are reaching out aely but your not being heard .. Like so many on mse .. You should have to feel so alone .. If you lived nearer you could pop round for a giggle and natter .. I'll pm you my telephone no .. So you can phone me anytime .. I'll always phone you back as I have free calls on my landline .. Also there's age uk who do a buddie scheme .. My little neighbour has found them wonderful .. I pop round each week to do her hair and check alls well because she has no family .. She comes for dinner at Christmas too .. I joke and call her ma as she is like mum to me X give them ring aely age uk .. I'm not sure of the number in your area .. Anyways peeps .. I'll try and get me ickle brain working and see what we all can do together .. Pesky brain is asleep atm lol .. Lots of love joolsy xxx

Female
jennifer  Female  Gloucestershire 25-Nov-2016 10:22 Message #4667222
I run a Meetup group in Gloucester. We do all sorts of things as a group ... sometimes there are just a few of us and sometimes a lot. Tonight I am meeting five other ladies to go on a candlelit tour of the Life Museum in Gloucester and then a bite to eat afterwards. Earlier in the week I met up with three others to see a live ballet performance of Cinderalla streamed into Gloucester Guildhall. Tomorrow night, others are going to a dance/disco organised by one of the men in the group.

We do have men in the group, but it is mainly women. To be honest, I think the majority of men are not looking for just friendship ... and my group is definitely NOT a dating site. It's a friendship group for people over 50.

I am glad I started it, as without it I could have found myself home alone most of the time. I have to admit that sometimes I do feel like I don't want to go out ... like when I have been ill and have spent so much time home alone and I then lose the will to go out and plant a smile on the fizzog! Everyone seems to have family living close by and I haven't and that makes me feel like I am very much alone. But it's my group, and I know that to keep it going for my benefit and everyone in the group, I have to get my backside in gear!

Maybe you could check out Meetup groups in your area (google Meetup.com) or do as I did and start your own!

I do understand, though, where you are coming from Aely.
Female
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 25-Nov-2016 10:41 Message #4667231
You know one of the things I've got really sick of over the years is being told I could start a group if one dosn't exist that I want to join. Sometime it would just be nice to go and do something without having all the hassle and responsibility.

I don't know what the answer is Aely, all I can say is I meet more people walking the dogs than I ever have any other way. Sometime I go for days without speaking to anyone but the animals, but I find I mind it less as time goes on. I do miss the opportunities for good conversation, but then I think back to the times when I've had people around and to be honest, for every good conversation there were a hundred crap ones and ones where I wished everyone would just shut up. I get how you can end up feeling like your own ghost and the longing for some kind of feedback that you are actually alive, I suppose I get that acknowledgement from my animal friends now, I'm learning to keep my thoughts to myself, to explore them alone and see where they take me, I'm finding I need to share things with others less and less. I think its easier to be alone in the countryside than it is in town because I'm not surrounded by distractions that say I ought to be with people and play happy families, this time of year is hard too.
Female
jennifer  Female  Gloucestershire 25-Nov-2016 11:03 Message #4667233
WH, I was part of a friendship group run by someone else and he gave up because people weren't paying their subscriptions and didn't support the group like he wished. When that went belly-up, I did join another Meetup, but I wasn't comfortable with the people in that group. Found that the group was a reflection of the organiser and not very friendly or relaxed and it just wasn't for me. I had the choice of either sitting home alone or getting my backside in gear and starting my own group and making it one that I would enjoy being a part of i.e. one specifically for people over 50. Some people from the original group came on board. Yes, it would have been "nice to go and do something without all the hassle and responsibility", but someone, somewhere, has to start something for others to be able to do anything to combat loneliness. I don't have to organise every event ... any member in the group can suggest and run an event, and they do do that, with or without me going to that event.

So, I may have "sickened" you by suggesting that Aely start her own group if there is not a Meetup group in her area that she would like to join, but sometimes needs must when it is a solution to sitting home alone when you really are desperate for company.
Male
fosy  Male  Leicestershire 25-Nov-2016 11:19 Message #4667237
aely,

i dont know if we have covered this, but what about a dog ?

dog walking is a very social activity as instantly you have something in common with other dog owners.

how about a mature rescue dog, say 3+ yrs and one that is homeless through no fault of its own, and so avoiding "puppy troubles" ?

just a thought.
Female
Aely  Female  Hampshire 25-Nov-2016 16:05 Message #4667251
My cat says "No Way" Fosy.

To be truthful, although I appreciate the bit of company my cat provides, now my daughter has moved out of the area I am more tied to the house than ever as there is nobody I can rely on to feed him if I want to go away even for one night. I had decided that when my old girl Pickle died I would not have another dependent but Pepper, a stray, starving kitten was accepted by Pickle as a companion in her dotage and has no intention of changing his abode now she has gone.

I have tried playing scrabble online and even have a computer version (which seems to know a lot of non-existant words!) but most of the enjoyment I get from playing it "live" is from the repartee that accompanies it. The only friend I have who has a similar vocabulary to me is too busy with family and grandchildren to indulge in such pastimes. Let's just say that the people here are not well educated and a lot of them would have difficulty spelling anything over 3 letters.
Female
sunnyagain  Female  Hampshire 25-Nov-2016 16:15 Message #4667252
Aely, there's a large meetup group in the area who are very active, others less so but variety. There's one that does daytime meets only. There's a group called Solitaire who do varied things and another nearer you, I can't remember the name but when I do I'll pass it on to you.
Female
Aely  Female  Hampshire 25-Nov-2016 16:27 Message #4667254
Before anybody says anything, I will point out that I was brought up on a similar estate, just 2 roads away from here. However because the local school was geared to teach the children of manual and agricultural workers to read, write and count their pay packet at the end of the week my parents put themselves into debt to send me to an out of town Private school for my Primary education and by working my socks off I passed the 11+ which gave me a different life to my contemporaries although I stayed in the same town.

I ended up "back home" when I became a lone parent on Social Security.
Female
Phoenixnights  Female  Nottinghamshire 25-Nov-2016 19:44 Message #4667288
I have to agree with those who recommend Meet Up. As has been said , why dont you start your own Book Group ? If there isnt one locally anymore there could be others who would be interested but havent thought to start one yet.

I've been out a few times with a local over 50's singles group and they have been really friendly and chatty.
Female
Cassis  Female  Cambridgeshire 25-Nov-2016 21:28 Message #4667297
My local "F Word" (Fabulous 40s, 50s, and Beyond) group sounds good fun, Phoenix: that's the Xmas Quiz I'm going to. I said I wasn't too good on celebrity/gossip type questions and the host replied,"Oh I just sit back and drink my vodka, and let the more knowledgeable ones answer the questions"...I thought, yep, that sounds like the quiz night for me:)
Female
wholelottakaren  Female  Lincolnshire 25-Nov-2016 22:30 Message #4667304
Everybody harps on about meetup as though it is the answer to everybodys prayer. It isnt nationwide. there isnt one in my fairly large town. It's a bit like the agony aunts telling you to join an evening class when you want to meet a man. Clearly they have never attended an evening class themselves or they wouldnt suggest it
Female
jennifer  Female  Gloucestershire 26-Nov-2016 11:35 Message #4667376
Reading back, I can't see that anyone said that Meetup is the answer to anyone's prayers! It's just a way to get out and meet people ... and as that was the question, if Meetup was a solution for some, then it shouldn't be poo-pooed!!!

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