geoff147 (54) from Hampshire

I have decided to give you the option of two profiles, the first is concise and should appeal to women seeking a quickie, the second designed for those with stamina and more than 17 brain cells.

SHORT (COFFEE BREAK VERSION)

Well hung stud looking for fun with a fit woman aged 18-30. No time wasters please.

LONG VERSION (SERIOUS APPLICANTS ONLY)

Ok, it would seem I have your attention! I have somehow managed to reach the age of 52 despite never having had / wanted any of the following:-

1) an iPod
2) a vast collection of bling jewellery items
3) regular visits from the police
4) a mentally unstable bunny boiler ‘ex’ who refuses to obey the court injunction
5) children turning up on my doorstep in the middle of the night calling me dad
6) a one night stand
7) a CCJ
8) a beer gut
9) a woman tell me she would “love me long time” (in exchange for ££££)
10) a car with go faster stripes and no tax / insurance / MOT
11) ingrowing toe nails
12) a driving ban
13) long periods of unemployment, a broken home, benefit fraud and heavy duty drinking

If you can spot which (if any) of the above you think is where I am being economic with the truth, please drop me a line, it should help my rehabilitation. Turning to the subject of looks, as it says above I am 6 feet tall. ‘Average build’ means I currently weigh around 13.25 stones, so I am roughly an inch short for my weight. For the benefit of any youngster reading this who doesn’t know what feet, inches and stones are, I am 1.83 metres tall, I weigh 82 kilos and I’m 25mm too short. Am I handsome? Only you can say because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

People who meet me for the first time sometimes say that I don’t look my age. Hopefully they mean I look younger, if so I think it is really nice of them to say so; in any event it is important to state you don’t look your age when writing a profile, it’s a legal requirement apparently. I have a warped sense of humour and enjoy making people laugh. I love life and have some good friends, but cupid keeps shooting his little arrows in the wrong direction. Like a lot of people, I am prepared to try almost anything once, but I draw the line at incest, naked bungee jumping and line dancing. I could waffle on but you could be losing the will to live having read this far. I would therefore suggest that you take a break and watch that DVD with the obligatory bottle of wine (roaring fire optional) and send me a quick ‘hello’ afterwards. I might join you on that sofa one day.

I should say that I am not into long distance relationships and am unlikely to be fooled by ravishing beauties (you know who you are) from various parts of the world writing to tell me that they want my babies. I had to tell Olga (aged 31 from Russia) that I was moved to the point of tears by her message, however, she couldn’t have my babies because I don’t have any. I also had to mention that she couldn’t fool me with her offer of 100 bottles of industrial strength vodka in exchange for a passport. Therefore, you are likely to be a caring, independent type who lives in the Hampshire, West Sussex, Surrey, Berkshire, Oxfordshire and outer (South) London areas. Or (crucially) be prepared to pay all my travel and accommodation expenses up front (cash only, no cheques) if you live further away and want to actually meet me. Initial contact by e-mail / MSN Messenger is great but I really don’t want to spend an eternity in cyber land. You would have a warped SOH similar to mine, see the funny side of life and able to laugh at adversity. A love for 80’s music would be a bonus and if you have heard of the 70's/80’s/90’s/current band 'Sparks' then you might be ‘the one’. Back in the real world, I have been told I’ll know when I meet you. Am I asking too much? From my vast experience of dating on-line it appears I am living in cloud cuckoo land, however, I would love to be proved wrong by you (yes YOU dear FEMALE reader).

PS If you are the type of woman who uses ‘lol’ after every sentence in a profile, you aren’t likely to make me laugh. Especially if the sentence preceding the ‘lol’ is about as funny as an aeroplane crash in the Himalayas.