Don1947 Male (71) from South Yorkshire

If I can only raise a smile, here in this etherial world,
If I can only stay the invective so often wrongly hurled,
If I can find a simple way to remove those vicious nips,
If I can replace a smile, set it again upon your lips,
With funny antics, songs and many foolish quips.......
Eeeeh! Wilt tha goan gie us, rest on them fish an' chips?

Tall, but dark bits is sneakily going grey, average build, still has all ont usual bits an' tackle, hands feet, arms, legs etc..been everything from toilet cleaner right up t' dizzy heights on senior floor sweeper an' chief tea masher... Semi retired now, wicked sense on humour but just like everyone else, don't walk round droolin' with a silly grin on us face... Not yet, any road... But I gotta warn all on tha, goin' t' get us sen out an' away fromt remote place they stuck us in soon as bus pass cums through... Last Stop Old Folks Home at Wrinklebum-on-Sea, ain't for likes on us, sleepin bags packed ready, an' downt village post office they says us bus pass is still cummin' int post.... Drat! Got t' stop now as Matron's coming back angrily shoutin' summat... Dust tha know, tha can't leave nowt lyin' about here wi'out some folk takin' right liberties... Seems woman waints her perishin' missin' computer bac....

Have had to wait until well after bedtime t' get me hands on her computer again, so has t'be a bit sharp like... an' would tha believe it, she only turned out bloomin' leet when she left room! Any road, its ok, I borrered front lamp offt postmans bike earlier today an' has it here with us undert covers.... with keyboard stuffed undert pillows... ha! ha!Ssoaanywumwotcankomunik8.henjoyagudlaff&^socalizereeleazy...Oooops! gotta go again!... theres echo on slippers squelchin' softly ont lino int corridor.. sounds like Matron's actually cumin' back... but might just have teme t' set picture on her on here befor I as t'go... just hope tha don't never end up sittin' ont bus next t' her... ear wassat...? I ears watter runnin' nearby, splashin' int tin bowl... Just avin' crafty peek... Yep, its Matron alright, she's got a reet long length on rubber hosing coiled over one shoulder, tin bowl in one rubber gloved hand, an' int t'other what looks t' us summat slim longish... like a metal cannister, an' theers handle at one end... Looks like she's got summat reet nasty planned for someone t'neet, he he! Poor sod! Now weer was we earlier... ah aye, I knows! Eyup...! Matrons ont move, best go quick...! Hold up! She's comin' t' us! Hey..! Whats t'do, me blankets has just been whipped away... an' theers a reet huge pot on vaseline whats bin plonked down ont bedside locker... Whys tha smilin' strange like at us like tha is Matron... ear, hold up... whats tha pullin' on us jama bottoms for... an' whats strange contraption thas holdin' theer... that thing wi' rubber hose connected t' what looks like a styrrup pump..? It is a styrrup pum... Well no, I don't want to lie on us face...no I don't! Stop pushin' an' pullin' at us wilt tha? Gerroffus! Alright, alright, I'll turn o'er quiet, but only if tha stops pushin' us abou... Whats tha mean this might teach us t' leave tha computer alone... Ain't never touched it... Honest! Bloomin' heck, stop bein' so rough, wilt tha, an'... Hey!... by goodness, vaselines cold... ear, whats tha puttin' it theer for... Hey up! Now stop thasen right there..... Hey up... I'm tellin' thee, hoy! Whats tha doin' on theee wi' hose pipe...??? Leave off wilt tha, can't that tell I'm tryin t'type ear... Hey!! Nooooooooooooooooo!!!
Laters:- Help...! I needs t' escape an' soon.......!!!!!?!

Update.... Well escape committee here meets int cupboard undert stair every Tuesday evening after tea at seven pm sharp. Trouble is me, I can never get in 'cause them lot all has their bloomin zimmer frames an' walkin' sticks with them, takes up allont room, so I has to sit listening at half open cupboard door, pretending I'm doorstop! Matron constantly passes by, keeps giving us them funny looks on hers.... Any road, seems I've been selected t' try out an escape plan along wi' Young Mildred,(she's called that coz her older twin sister's called A Bit Older Mildred) an' a bloke, Fat Tommy. (He's called that 'cause he's well overweight!)Got most ont details scribbled in biro here on us hanky. Seems we're settin' off six am int mornin'... dint know that there was two six o'clocks int same day. Strewth! Heyup! Tha what Tommy..? Tha waints us t'look on thee zimmer frame..? Aye, them black an' silver chrome go faster stripes is reet neet! They really look good with... Scuze us... Quick! Wheres us hanky, I'm gonna sneeze! Ah, Ah, AaaaaatisshoooOO! Just hang on while I blows us nose... theer, thats better... yep... them go faster stripes really do set off them twin wing mirrors! Wassat? Tha waints t see plan did tha just say young Mildred? Ok I'll just spread hanky out ont table int corner while Fat Tommy keeps an eye out for Matron... Whats tha mean, thatsnot funny..? Well think on it as only just becomin' a 3D technoplan... dust tha see, green sticky bit theers front lawn an' I can still read most on half on me writing... Anyroad I'll put it back in me pocket, floors vibratin', Matron must be comin' along passage... see tha both at front door at six int morning! I'm off t'get me Horlix.. Nite Nite!

Another update... Well guess what.. who forgot to set flippin' rotten alarm clock after all ont plannin'..? Or maybe it were them sedatives what Matron craftily slipped in me bedtime cup of Horlix..? All I knows were I eventually wakes up feeling great at near noon, with bright sunlight streaming in through windows! Had a quick slosh an' shave, then after dressing, wanders downt dining room f'some scoff, only t' discover place were buzzin'like a bee-hive. Rumour were young Mildred an' Fat Tommy had sneakily crept out int early hours together, an' gone trippin' off like a pair on clandestine lovers! Saw Fat Tommy sittin' alone quiet all creastfallen in one ont far corners while young Mildred were busy loudly holdin' court at tother end ont room. So once I'd filled me plate full wi' several sausages, mash an' beans, I sidles o'er t' weer he were sat sittin'. "Hey up!" I says reet out, "Wots this tha's bin up t' then.. running off wi' young Mildred, an' leavin' me behind asleep half ont day?" He looks up right quick at sound on me voice an' hisses, "Shhhh!" then slides along an' tells me to sit mesen down quick, so I does!
"That bloomin' young Mildred!" he exclaims in a harsh whisper, leaning over conspiritorily towards me... "She's right off her trolly her is!" Then while gazing at my puzzled expression, sod craftily spears a sausage off me plate with his fork, smirks an' scoffs it in one! Smirk faded reet rapid as I gestured meaningly at him with me fork, an' he labouredly began t' explain what had occured earlier int day. Seems him an' young Mildred had arranged t' meet up at front door about ten t' fifteen minute earlier than planned, an' not waitin' t' see if I were even goin' t' turn up, had quietly crept out, carefully cut across front lawn, avoiding crunching ont gravel ont drive, an' slipped out through t'open front gates. "I were ready t'walk down t'town." Fat Tommy says, still whispering, "But young Mildred! She spots milkmans truck stood standin' near by unattended as he were off deliverin' milk next door. An' in a flash, hollerin' for us t' hurry on, she were in behind twheel, sat with her clog flat down drivin' it away, makin' me have t' put a reet spurt on t' try t' catch up! Me ant Zimmerframe was goin' flat out clatterin' along behind, but still dint get up anywhere near close until she happened t'stop at traffic lights what was on red at bottom ont road! Had only just managed t' tumble ont back ont vehicle, tangled up int Zimmerframe when she takes off again, doin' a sharp right turn! Bottles of milk was rattlin' so loud ant crates rockin' so wild, noise almost deafened me, an' I yells to her loud as I could, t'carry straight on, but she completely ignores us, speeds up more an' turns sharp right again at next turnin, lurchin' all o'ert road! She then does exactly same at next two turnin's an' we ends up right back outside on here, right where we started! Next thing, she steps out smart like, holdin' her handbag primly in front on her, says she's had enough excitement for one day, thank you very much, an' toddles right off back indoor without another word on it,leavin' me left laid ont back ont truck, still tangled int Zimmerframe an' milk crates, just as milkman reappears back from next door! I manages t' convince him I were there for a pint of milk, an' had slipped an' fell onto back ont truck. I think he believes us, cos he kindly give us a lift back up drive ont truck seein' as he were deliverin' here, an' helped me off. Cost me price on a bottle on milk though! Worst thing were Matron seen both on us come in, so joined us int kitchen for a cuppa, puttin' two an' two together, making twenty-four... So now everyone here thinks me an' young Mildred's at it!" He shivered ruefully with a heavy sigh, "Ant reason she dint lissen to us were cos battries in her hearin' aid's flat! What a farce!"

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I'm 71 years old and come from South Yorkshire in the United Kingdom. I'm divorced with four children. I'm 6' 3" tall and of average build. I'm a smoker and I drink occasionally. I'm here for friendship.

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