BORIS (53) from the West Midlands

Dear mum,
the journey from Zanussi was ok and I arrived on Earth yesterday. The people are friendly and some of the men have something called a woman, they are more colourful, smell nice and are apparently more intelligent than men. I’m told they can be good fun and even keep you warm at night but I’m not sure how this works. Apparently it’s also possible to fall into something called love, causing a star effect in your eyes, sounds very interesting, bit like those mushrooms we grow on our planet. Some wear a ring on a finger, meaning that they already belong to someone, this emits some kind of force field to keep others away, very clever. I’ve been trying to find out where you get one from, I asked in shops, the library and a police station but they just laughed and said some words I couldn’t find in my dictionary. I believe some of these women break free from their partners occasionally and float in cyberspace, I think it’s possible to catch one with something called the net and I’m currently looking into it. Shazbad, Boris X
PS. I don't have essentials so I never get to open kisses, favourites boxes etc...messages only! Thanx.

A woman with all the usual bits and pieces, hair, eyes, own teeth, legs etc, no experience necessary!