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Midsummer's Eve is a free online dating community - based around friendship, real meetups, real people, and real relationships. We've been online since 1999 and have twice won Radio 2's Web Site of the Day award. So why not join us for free and join in the discussion?

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MrQuiet  Male  Northamptonshire 18-Jul-2019 06:25 Message #4745440
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

Andromeda  Female  Berkshire 18-Jul-2019 09:59 Message #4745451
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.
tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 18-Jul-2019 11:07 Message #4745457
I once had a job at a calendar factory...

...but I was sacked for taking a couple of days off.
tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 18-Jul-2019 11:08 Message #4745458
I don't like lifts...I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them...
Templar2013  Male  South East London 18-Jul-2019 15:38 Message #4745474
That’s a terrible joke ...on so many different levels...
MrQuiet  Male  Northamptonshire 19-Jul-2019 06:37 Message #4745535
A man asks his wife: "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
His wife says: “Take half and leave you!"
The man replies: “Great! I won ten pounds so here’s your fiver. Byeee!
Victoriana11  Female  Buckinghamshire 19-Jul-2019 12:13 Message #4745558
what did one worm say to the other in the graveyard...

lets take a walk in dead ernest
RAACH84  Female  Buckinghamshire 19-Jul-2019 16:26 Message #4745573
I’ll tell you what really catches my eye in this wet weather...

Short people with umbrellas.
MrQuiet  Male  Northamptonshire 20-Jul-2019 14:10 Message #4745707
My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing electrical appliances.

Well, she's in for a shock.
persona_non_grata  Male  North London 20-Jul-2019 23:14 Message #4745772
Not very funny but VERY topical.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.
Neros1954  Male  Devon 21-Jul-2019 07:45 Message #4745798
A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field so he asks his border collie to count them. The dog runs into the field counts them and runs back to the farmer.
“How many” asks the farmer.
“40” replied the dog.
The farmer looks surprised and says “How can there be 40? I only bought 38”

The dog says “I rounded them up”
capnblackbeard  Male  Hertfordshire 21-Jul-2019 12:49 Message #4745840
laughing is defo the best way to start any day,
Neros1954  Male  Devon 22-Jul-2019 05:04 Message #4745910
‘Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 22-Jul-2019 14:00 Message #4745926
I hate it, when I misinterpret someones profile...I thought she said that she lived abroad and was a furniture restorer...It turns out she was incontinent and she stains chairs...

tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 22-Jul-2019 14:07 Message #4745927
I became quite ill with premature ejaculation...I'm a bit better now, but for a while it was touch and go...
Neros1954  Male  Devon 23-Jul-2019 06:11 Message #4745962
I’m learning the hokey cokey.

Not all of it.

But – I’ve got the ins and outs
badman  Male  Suffolk 23-Jul-2019 07:01 Message #4745963
My mate is addicted to brake fluid but says he can stop anytime.
Templar2013  Male  South East London 24-Jul-2019 09:22 Message #4746055
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of ?the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
MrQuiet  Male  Northamptonshire 24-Jul-2019 16:57 Message #4746112
I've given my diet a lot of thought and I have decided I will never get down to my original weight and I'm ok with that ...

After all 5 lbs 4 oz is just not realistic.
Neros1954  Male  Devon 25-Jul-2019 07:23 Message #4746166
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?

I’m excited to see how they turn out.
HotOrWot  Male  Lancashire 26-Jul-2019 06:42 Message #4746360
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.

It never really took off.
tsunamiwarrior  Male  Hertfordshire 27-Jul-2019 15:49 Message #4746556
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy.
tsunamiwarrior  Male  Hertfordshire 28-Jul-2019 08:39 Message #4746607
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"

The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
Cautious1954  Female  Berkshire 29-Jul-2019 08:23 Message #4746702
Last night in bed I was gazing up and the stars and thinking to myself -

Where has my roof gone!
tumbleweed  Male  Gloucestershire 29-Jul-2019 15:01 Message #4746743
I went to London the other day...around Regents Street and Shaftesbury Avenue...It was really busy...It was like Piccadilly Circus...

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