Conversation Dating and Relationships
Helper icon Helpers: Chris2mates , LLstill , PrincessFruitBat


About us


Midsummer's Eve is a free online dating community - based around friendship, real meetups, real people, and real relationships. We've been online since 1999 and have twice won Radio 2's Web Site of the Day award. So why not join us for free and join in the discussion?

Opposites attract?

So they say..

1 2 Next >  Last >> 

Male
tim3003  Male  Suffolk 14-Jun-2019 19:53 Message #4741917
I'm an introvert and I long ago realised that the women I'm attracted to are invariably extroverts. It's my belief - backed up by my observations of successful couples, that opposites attract where relationships are concerned. But is that other peoples' view too? It's interesting to look at famous couples and try to work out which is which. I think that the more skilled and talented a person is, the less obvious it becomes whether they're introvert or extrovert..
Female
leogirl  Female  Essex 15-Jun-2019 00:14 Message #4741930
There are more differences in personalities than just being introvert or extroverts.
A person may be a highly successful person in his or her profession and yet be hopeless when it comes to having people skills.
leogirl.
Male
tim3003  Male  Suffolk 15-Jun-2019 12:04 Message #4741945
Well obviously.
Like Teresa May, who's an introvert and so not suited to be PM.
Male
OnlineMSE  Male  Essex 15-Jun-2019 12:43 Message #4741946
They might attract initially, but sure as day follows night, the slightest bump in the relationship road and those differences are only going to magnify and add fuel to the fire of any disagreements/arguments etc.
Male
tumbled  Male  Gloucestershire 15-Jun-2019 13:18 Message #4741949
I'm definitely an introvert most of the time...occasional bits of extrovert stuff, but very much normally introvert..I hate being centre of attention, and prefer to quietly enter a room unnoticed, rather than any big entrance.

With regards to relationships, it varies..It's sometimes nice to be with someone who talks a lot..it saves me doing any...and I can just listen...but other relationships have been with girls much too loud...and that is all too much for me...

Relationships can be so much a mishmash of various things, various differences, similarities etc, that there is no set thing to make one work.
Female
JustLyn  Female  Cheshire 15-Jun-2019 14:00 Message #4741952
An interesting question tim3003.

When I was looking for why my son was excessively introverted, as his GP put it, before we knew my son's issue was being autistic, I rang round diagnostic people recommended by the National Autistic Society. I ended up in a conversation with a guy in Ormskirk, a Mr H who said he knew many men with autism, quiet and introverted who ended up with what he called high achieving and extrovert outgoing women. He laughed and said the women liked to come home to an intelligent quiet man who could run a one to one conversation, was trustworthy, and often quirky.

I am not accusing anyone of being autistic because they feel introvert, it's just an example of where opposites might fit together as a jigsaw rather than always pulling the same way.

I have noticed since I joined dating, friendship sites around 2004 that many profiles always wanted a date with a similar interest as if they have to be aligned on everything.

I think the key is to be open to finding new interests and experiences and not always expect someone to like your own. I think a good relationship even a friendship is about compromise and pleasing each other without one becoming dominant and overshadowing the other.

I wasn't looking for a date at the time, just new friends and it has been a most growing and positive experience.

There is a cartoon somewhere with two donkeys in 2 different fields but with an adjoining opening. One day the two donkeys fed together in the first field. Then the next shot is both donkeys feeding in the second field. I forgot t mention that the first short was both donkeys feeding in their own separate fields.
Male
tim3003  Male  Suffolk 15-Jun-2019 17:28 Message #4741966
I wasn't claiming that all you need for a good relationship is an extrovert/introvert partnership, but I'm asking is it so that all successful relationships ARE built on such a partnership? The evidence I have seen suggests that it is so. It's easy to see the two types as black and white, but like every other attribute it's a spectrum, with some clearly towards one end and others more in the middle. However, you can't be both or neither because from what I've read there is a fundamental psychological choice at the heart of the distinction. We all have an internal reality and an external reality. The first is the life we live inside our heads: one of ideas, creativity, imagination, plans. The second is the life we live in the physical world: one of people: relationships, the application of ideas, the experience of the compromises and failures of which life is often made up. (The source of these definitions is The Successful Self, by Dorothy Rowe - an eminent Australian psychologist). In my case I know it's sensitivity which drives my preference for the internal reality. The external one is often too loud and stressful to tolerate. I know I admire those who manage social situations with ease and charm, not least because I usually don't. So it's easy to see how when looking for a partner someone who has the strengths you lack is attractive.
I'd be interested to hear from extroverts about what the introvert qualities they look for or find attractive are - assuming there are some...
Female
JustLyn  Female  Cheshire 15-Jun-2019 20:39 Message #4741980
Hi, on reading your response, 3 relationships spring to mind, although I except 3 examples is not evidence for every one.

The first was the famous couple, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward who had completely different interests, one motor racing and the other ballet. I don't think they had anything in common except they understood each other and allowed for differences. I think that counts for a successful relationship more than similar interests.

The second was made into a film called "The Gardener". The actor's names are on the tip of my tongue, the man was Braveheart. Anyway, he was learning disabilities and she was an older woman, a professor who employed him, then they fell in love and companionship seemed to be what counted there.

The third was the actor John Thor and ...and... oh someone will remind me. Anyway, they stayed married but lived in different houses most of the time but was happy that way and didn't divorce. I don't think so anyway.

I agree it's never black and white and I see most things as a spectrum of variance.

I think from what you ask (I always think I am introvert unless playing aa role I know well like my job) it depends if the extrovert is sensitive you your needs and doesn't constantly drag you into their reality.

Have you read or heard of "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine N, Aron?
Male
tsunamiwarrior  Male  Hertfordshire 15-Jun-2019 20:52 Message #4741982
Some aspects of being opposites can be attractive but being too similar is a nightmare. Imagine spending a lifetime with someone who read the same books, liked the same films, shared all your hobbies, agreed with all you thoughts and politics ... aaarrghhh!
Female
JustLyn  Female  Cheshire 15-Jun-2019 23:06 Message #4741993
TW,

Left me chuckling!

It might be like dating Google Home.
Male
HotOrWot  Male  Lancashire 16-Jun-2019 08:11 Message #4742004
They might attract initially, but sure as day follows night, the slightest bump in the relationship road and those differences are only going to magnify and add fuel to the fire of any disagreements/arguments etc.

A good point.
Male
HonestBob  Male  the Central region 16-Jun-2019 08:23 Message #4742008
I think it depends on the people. I would say there has to be be fundamental similarities between people on issues like, kids, marriage, religion, traditional roles ect. Differences in what flavour crisps one likes, dogs or cats, tea or coffee and so on, could differ.

I have heard somewhere that introverts are attracted to extroverts and vice versa. So what the OP is talking about isn't too uncommon, but I think extroverts and introverts can share lots of similar views and expectations so there aren't really all that different in the end.

I'm an introvert, and I would struggle to be in a relationship with a extrovert.
Male
badman  Male  Suffolk 16-Jun-2019 14:16 Message #4742023
If opposites attract, my girlfriend would be a Nun.
Male
tim3003  Male  Suffolk 16-Jun-2019 17:48 Message #4742045
Yes I've read The Highly Sensitive Person. I did not think much of it. If 20% of the population is highly sensitive what does that make me? Ultra-highly sensitive? Have you read Edgar Allen Poe, or Thomas Mann? They both knew what it means to be highly sensitive.
Sheila Hancock was John Thaw's wife I think.

I'd just like to make clear that interests and views have nothing to do with whether you're an introvert or extrovert. Most successful couples share some of theirs, but it's not necessary - or even possible - to find someone who shares them all. (That's my problem!) The personality-type split is at a more fundamental level, more akin to the male/female split in importance. I don't think we're attracted to others for their interests, are we? Surely they are the glue which is necessasry to keep partners together long-term.

btw: Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward did have in common that they were both actors..

Female
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 16-Jun-2019 18:04 Message #4742050
It would be nice to have someone that liked the same books, music etc that I do, but i agree that to much would be maddening, I think you do need to have the same basic ideals as a partner. I'm quite introverted and shy but I disguise it well in public by being quite talkative, sometimes to much so, when I've been around people I need space to recover. I coudn't cope with being with a party person, or someone who's always got to have lots of people around, noise going on and is constantly going out doing stuff, that would get in the way of my reading and other quiet stuff, although I imagine I'd have lots of people to cook for.
Male
tumbled  Male  Gloucestershire 16-Jun-2019 18:10 Message #4742052
With regards to people liking the same things, I now can't get Howard and Hilda out of my mind, from 'Ever Decreasing Circles'

Always wearing matching jumpers and things...and acting the same way all the time..
Female
Sea  Female  Essex 16-Jun-2019 22:19 Message #4742079
Hi Tim,
I am not so sure that an introvert would be attracted to an extrovert, they may be more likely to shy away. Quote :- An extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone. So it appears that an introvert is happier alone. Quote : - However most people are closer to the middle, which gives them qualities of both introversion and extroversion. If you think of yourself as an extroverted introvert, it probably means you're an introvert at heart — but you may be more outgoing than other introverts because your personality is more middle-of-the-spectrum.
Personally I think of myself as more of a quiet extrovert, as I am quiet but also outgoing and happy to travel and explore new places and also do not mind standing out in the crowd. As to opposites attract that would depend on what is opposite, as feel there would have to be some common ground. It is unlikely for example that a refuge collector would pair up with a high flying lawyer, or somebody with an extremely common dialect, with someone with a very posh accent. And the person whose idea of a holiday, is to lay on a sunbed all day, with somebody who would prefer to spend their day swimming, snorkelling, sailing and then hiking ten miles or more up the nearest mountain.
Male
tim3003  Male  Suffolk 17-Jun-2019 20:00 Message #4742172
Well I'm an introvert, and I'm attracted to extroverts. Sorry, but there it is. With my general lack of self-confidnce and stressful reaction to groups of people it is great to be with someone who can handle those situations better than I could alone. Surely that makes sense.
In my experience extroverts are attracted to introverts too. Although I can't be sure why. This is where I'd be interested for extroverts to enlighten me! But if it didn't work, we'd ll be single I think.. I have known many couples where one partner is much more talkative and socially comfortable than the other. This works for them. I'm guessing a couple made up of two extroverts would always be fighting to get their point across, and to have the last word.. Likewise two introverts might die of boredom in silence.
As a fairly extreme introvert I am happy alone - but not all the time. And I doubt even the most sociable extrovet goes out partying every night of the week..
Female
wholelottakaren  Female  Lincolnshire 17-Jun-2019 22:00 Message #4742188
I think it's about moderation. I am quite extravert and dont know how I would fare with a total introvert. I do think it's important to share interests but still retain enough personal hobbies so that you dont become carbon copies of each other.Of course sometimes that can be ok for some people .Some friends of mine are like 2 peas from the same pod - they share everything but are very suited and very happy. They celebrate 30 of marriage next year. In my view its about chemistry - you click or you dont
Female
Clocky  Female  the West Midlands 17-Jun-2019 22:14 Message #4742191
I'm somewhere in the middle ... there are times i want to retreat and times when i have a lot of energy, although I don't like being the centre of attention and tend to stay of the fringes of a gathering. Regarding dating an introvert ... as long as I don't end up being their entertainment system (it has happened unfortunately) then I don't mind. What is much more important to me is the depth and breadth of their emotional intelligence, morals and ethics.
Female
Sea  Female  Essex 17-Jun-2019 22:29 Message #4742194
Being extrovet does not necessarily mean that you are a party animal or that you are loud and chatty. I am considered an extrovert in that I am out going and adventuous and will jusT take off to the other side of the world with only flight booked. Not afraid to go places, whereas an introvert may not wish to venture further than the village they live in. However sometimes there is not any chemistry when meeting someone and I can find it difficult to start a conversation. On the other hand sometimes conversation flows quite easily. It can be something other than introvert/extrovert that dictates how easily it is to chat with someone. In fact I never ever think to label somebody introvert or extrovert when meeting at all. It isn't something that I take into consideration. All that matters is if somebody comes across as pleasant and friendly and can hold an intelligent conversation, to start with anyway.
Female
wonderoushen  Female  Gwynedd 18-Jun-2019 12:08 Message #4742238
I think an extrovert may feel grounded by an introvert and an introvert may feel lifted by an extrovert. I don't like groups, I find them extremely stressful, I can cope with socialising at home, but I rarely feel safe socialising out of home. I think two extroverts would end up fighting for attention and it would all end up being very competitive. I think two introverts might be comfortably sat doing their own thing, reading, or doing hobbies, or watching tv together.

I find it quite odd that on the one hand spending time alone and being comfortable in ones own company is seen as a prerequisite of mental health, but then on the other hand its seen as a problem and something "bad". I wonder how much of it is about a need to police behaviour?
Female
Minnie-the-Minx  Female  Hertfordshire 18-Jun-2019 12:44 Message #4742247
I don't see why two extroverts would be a problem. It just means that they are energised by being with other people, so they would most likely bounce off each other and have great fun. it's only one small piece of your personality, so if the two extroverts didn't get on, it would more than likely be down to some other aspect of their personalities.
Though if I am honest, it is such a long time since I met anyone that I was attracted to, but their vertedness, whether intro or extro would be fairly down on the list of desirable qualities. I would be looking for someone who was kind, intelligent and fun to be with, any kind of vert could be any of those things.
Male
mancers  Male  Greater Manchester 18-Jun-2019 12:49 Message #4742250
I’ve been known to Con-vert occasionally, but I won’t do that.
Male
Orson  Male  Tayside 18-Jun-2019 15:39 Message #4742261
If someone is the opposite of one, one would imagine that attraction would be virtually impossible.

1 2 Next >  Last >> 


Back to top  Back to top

Help with conversations Help with conversations »